Thursday, October 11, 2012

My consistent in my inconsistency

I have noticed that there is a constant way of doing in my life that has been sorta scattered.  Let me try to explain this with my brain turning a zillion miles a minute.  I was dwelling on this last night in the quiet that was not so quiet and I noticed as I tried to begin a new knitting project that I unraveled because I was already bored with it that I rarely finish things.
As a child when I would play Barbies or games with my friends that I would want to dwell on the one situation.  Replay the same scenario in our game over and over again, because it was climatic or interesting and fun.  I don't know how many story lines were finished, or even more events had in the tale I was creating.
I love to knit, I love to crochet.  However large projects take years to complete.  I know this is the case for a lot of people... simply because its busy these days and most people just really don't have the time.  However I do believe there is enough time in my evenings to get something accomplished sooner than two/three years later.
I get notions that are notions and never become reality.
We live in such a chaotic society if you think about it.  My evenings alone can consist of a dozen things going on at once. I live on information overload.

I was talking to a friend of mine about this the other day and the words were "You're just inconsistant. Thats just how God made you to be."

Those words hurt.  If this is how God made me to be then why do I feel bad about it?  Does everyone really look at me as inconsistent?

Labels started to circle through my head.  You know when the enemy of your own mind begins to remind you of all that is wrong with yourself. And I know I'm not here to please people but please Him.  I wont label them here because this blog post isn't for a pity party.  

These are just the thoughts that came together in the shower.
I was reminded of this quote I found on Pinterest (on one of my overload evenings to be exact) "Labels are awful. They imprison us in categories that are hard to escape. Those labels start out as little threads of self-dissatisfaction but ultimately weave together into a straitjacket of self-condemnation. LABELS ONLY STICK IF I LET THEM. Lysa TerKeurst in her book Unglued.

God reminded me of the fact that there is one constant thought that runs through my brain.  That is Jesus.  I have had people say to me "You love Jesus too much." or "You talk too much Jesus."  I know I think a lot of Jesus.  Not even full thoughts sometimes.. its not like I'm replaying Bible truths through my head..  just His name is there.  His presence.


He is my consistent in the chaos.  Sometimes I want to dwell on a high moment of this consistency, but have learned there are many many high moments with Him that I continue to let Him write my story and follow Him.  Sometimes I have tried to run ahead of Him in the story only to find I get into a mess.  I have even tried to ignore this constant Christ and loose Him as my filter for the day and just live "fleshy" for a few moments..or a whole day... but HE is still on my mind.  The thought of His love and His kindness and His goodness is still there.


I can barley get though a knitting pattern these days.  I get to about row 4 or 5 and I begin to get bored.  

The pattern of God in my mind is just one line that repeats.


Its the line I can repeat over and over and over again and the pattern will always be good, and different.  Knitting a life and a journey.  I continue this pattern because I know when I "bind off" in the end, this one part of my life, is the only one that will satisfy for eternity.

While I know I need to be able to accomplish important things in life that God has placed in my life for me to do, following His path for me and staying focused, there are so many things in life that I am so inconsistent with but I wonder now if that't because Holy Spirit is simply trying to get me away from it all in moments when He has something for me to be doing- even if its just something as simple as being still... I could use some more still.
To have that one consistent thought -Jesus- not weaving through the chaos, but the chaos turning to peace and weaving through Him.

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