The past few weeks I have really started to process my roll as a wife and a mother to my children and started to try and renew my focus in these areas. I never gave up on this roll in the past 8 years but sometimes I think my focus shifts from everyone else to myself quick and I think with the birth of our fourth two months ago it really once again put my roll back into perspective. I really feel God has called me and placed this desire in my heart to do.
I am not a perfect mother or a perfect wife. But God has reminded me daily that while He doesn't call me to be a perfect Mom or wife, He has placed this calling on my life and will walk me through each step of the way.
I begin putting purpose in each step of my day. Waking up before the kids to have time with the Lord, even if right now that looks like using my Bible on my phone, light dimmed while I nurse our baby, because at six am our five year old is up and ready to go. It reminds me of Mark 1:35-37 "While it was still night, way before dawn, He (Jesus) got up and went out to a secluded spot and prayed. Simon and those with Him went looking for Him. They found Him and said "everybody is looking for you."
That's TOTALLY how my mornings go. They peek in my room and find me and for the next 13 hours I try to be theirs and my husbands.
I find there is an annoyance though, but it is one that I have conjured up myself. I annoy myself. How many times do I tell my husband I want to be the one who takes care of the things of the house, so he can rest when he is not out working to provide the money for our home. I tell him that's his job, and this is my job. But when I begin to feel tired and worn out, or I wake up on the wrong side of the bed or don't want to do my job do I feel restless, impatient and downright nasty. I begin to have arguments in my head with my husband of how he doesn't "do anything" around the house (which is a bold faced lie because he does, just not at that moment when I'm having this argument with him mentally). The dishes begin to get really loud as I put them away in the kitchen and the garbage is FLUNG into the can outside. The laundry which hasn't been magically folded because someone hasn't done it for me even though I haven't even hinted at asking begins to laugh at me all piled and wrinkled. I begin to resent him when he is checking updates on twitter or on the news because "he is just doing that way to much today" (even though I did it the day before constantly and that day as well.). When the convictions I feel about myself I feel he should automatically have too ;)
My kids have bad days. My daughter is 8 going on 18... its a battle some days in this house and I am supposed to show them Christ and also discipline without myself going postal.
It takes a lot of patience not to yell and scream on days where we are all over tired or over selfish.
It takes a lot of patience not to yell and scream on the days where I have my stuff together but no one else does.
It takes a lot of patience not to yell and scream on the days where they all have it together but I don't.
But God is there in the midst and it takes a lot of grace to get through a day and He is more than willing to provide it when I humble myself and admit "Hey, no one in this house is perfect" and ask Him to lead the way. We have a sign above our kitchen counter that reads "Jesus reigns in this place".
I wake up and as I'm preparing lunches and breakfast and nursing a baby in a sling, I see this and I have to remember that its not anyone else but Him that can really run this place at a pace and a rhythm that will work for all of us. That when I have to remember to align myself with His purpose for me, He literally helps. Some people don't get it but I guess unless you have literally experienced His presence..that knowing His Spirit is guiding you, I guess its hard to understand.
I have had to lay myself down and pick up the fruits of His Spirit.
I do get rest. He does give me rest. I don't have to demand it. There are days I want to sit down and all day play on Facebook and to be honest there have been two of those days this week. I don't want to come off sounding like a hypocrite. Its in those days I am most on edge. As if there are dishes again, as if there is a potty to be emptied. I have demanded time for myself that hasn't in a sense been given to me for myself. Everyday there are moments of rest that unselfishly present them self from God, and I give thanks to God for them. Those moments are not always after the kids go to bed, but generally speaking they are. It is in the days where everything has gotten done because we have worked on the Lords timetable and not our own and its on those days I have said "it is well" at the end.