Monday, December 24, 2012

this baby...

God approaches when we don't expect.  He slips in in the tiniest of forms and yet is explosive, life transforming and amazing.  Indescribable is our King.

A Baby who came in, while Mothers cried for their sons, and Fathers grasped to understand.  A baby who came in while selfishness, greed, and hatred raged.  Love comes down and while its been said a million times, it will forever be said again and again.

No one knows how much He weighed but He would carry the weight of our sins on His shoulders.  It was finished before it started.

This baby who smelt like birth, fresh and new.  Mary breathed Him in as He was wrapped in cloth in the stink of her surroundings.  A new plan that was never new, it was decided upon before the first pages of the Bible said "In the beginning."   This baby,  who would raise with the scent of spikenard because before His hands would be pierced, His Spirit pierced the heart of a woman, and pierced the heart of all those so furious enough to have Him be nailed to a cross.

He touched every single person He came in contact with.  This King, came in the most humble way,  laid in a trough that was made of the very stones or branches He created, nursed by a woman He molded with His hands.

This King.  My Jesus.

Only He could consume the entire Universe with His presence, create billions of galaxies.  The mountains tremble and the oaks twist, and yet He became a cell and consumed a womb and burst forth for salvation for many.

Merry Christmas from our family to yours.

Thursday, December 20, 2012

Who I am...

My goal as this year is nearing an end I am spending it not in the Christmas story but in Ephesians Colossians and John.  I am in this space right now where Christ is so huge and so massive that I cannot just fit Him in a manger this year.  His glory is contained there yet He spills out.  I look at our nativity scene and that baby laying there is so big to me.
I started out in Ephesians and just started reading and not only am I reading about how amazing Jesus is, but the promises I have as His child.  I thought this was pretty cool.  Sometimes I feel I go through these phases where I don't quite understand it all but Ephesians makes it pretty clear to me what Christ has promised His children and even though I am not really blogging right now I wanted to post it because it is pretty amazing.  

Who we are in Christ

We are blessed with every spiritual blessing in the heavenly places in Christ, chosen in Him before the foundation of the world, predestined to adoption as a daughter (or son) by Jesus to Himself.  His Grace is what makes us accepted in the Beloved.  We are redeemed by His blood, forgiven by His Grace.  We have obtained an inheritance, predestined according to His purpose.  We are sealed with the Holy Spirit of promise because we trusted Jesus who is the guarantee of our inheritance.  We are made alive in Him.  We can do NOTHING (emphasis added because I struggle with this one) to be saved it is a GIFT He has given.  We are His masterpiece created in Christ to do the good things God prepared beforehand for us to do.  We have Christ as our peace and we are united with Him.  The blood of Christ has brought us near.  Because of what Christ did we can come to the Father.  We are citizens along with all Gods people in Gods family.  We are a part of His house and Jesus Christ is the cornerstone.  We are carefully joined together in Him becoming a holy temple for the Lord.  We can come boldly and confidently into Gods presence.  Our roots with grow down deeper into Gods love and will continue to grow strong. We can experience the love of Christ even though it is too great to understand fully.  We are made complete with the fullness of life and power that comes from God.  We are part of a body and we each have our own special work.  We are His dear children.  We can come against evil because as one of Gods children we have access to His armor.  

Tuesday, November 13, 2012

Seep into Grace

When I seep into Grace, its like all my senses shift.  Its a perspective and a giving and an exhale...
Its one bath of waters I can sometimes forget to allow God to fill.
Boys fight over what colour of playdough belongs to them and I refuse to get out of the water.
I just finished reading Ann Voskamp's newest blog post and it reads Grace
My husband walks in with our oldest daughter, and he's playing loud rap music and its preaching the Gospel and the words I hear coming out are the feelings I steep my soul into.  Grace.
My husband leaves on missions in ten days and I pray Gods Grace.
As children act out of control after too much sugar and not enough calm.  I share Gods Grace as it pours out.
Overflow it into me God so it can pour out onto them.
Grace is where I hear Him.  Its where His voice is a whisper but its loudest for me.  Where my joy explodes and I feel at peace.
It leaves me with total respect, head over heels in love and fear of God.  He is so gracious.  I never want to misuse this Grace.  When I lay it down, all of it down and He pours out Grace brand new and it brings me back and I re-center.  A Mother works hard, and yet while a body aches from scrubbing baseboards and preparing for winter, a spirit can be at its most strength and most rest because of operating in Him and for Him.  Christ is my center.
Renewed. Refreshed.
Thank You Father for You're Grace.
Thank You for those who write continuously about Gods Grace.
Its timely, and a spot I wish to never move from.

Wednesday, November 7, 2012

They are a gift.

I sat on the bus.  Ear phones in quiet as Tehillah-Joy snuggled up wrapped on my chest under my coat.  I was off to visit a wonderful friend who is a 50 minute bus ride away.  

You can be filled with the knowing of Gods presence even on a busy city bus.  God can share and put pieces together while you are being still while out and about surrounded by busyness.

I looked down at this baby and she slept so sound.  The Kingdom belongs to little ones such as this.  Did she know God as He formed her? Did He speak her purpose over her and did she hear His voice whisper and declare it over her?  As I wondered these things, how she slept so calm during loud conversations, busy streets and all phones ringing, I remember how God calls us into His rest during chaos.  Our world is at fast pace.  His rest is vital for our survival.  Thoughts of how our purposes are plotted out and this chubby cheeked blessing quietly dreaming right under my chin is part of mine as well as the ones at school and at home with Dad.

Its like God in a moment of pause drops the book of purposes for my life down in front of me and the page that flips open is their names and my heart pounds and along with it is a bit of anxiety creeping in.

I text my husband

"Have you ever been reminded of a purpose God has for your life and its from a slightly different angle and you realize that this job you have while some view as not enough for the Kingdom is so so vital?"

It was like God showed me:

You need to train up your kids---MY kids in My ways.  To teach them of mornings spent with Me before all else.  They are a gift.  They are not yours to ruin, they are yours to show them Me.  To know and follow My Son who is so in love with them, to let them fall in love with Him as well.  To teach them how easy it is to call out to Me in a moments notice, for everything and anything.  You are helping them with their eternity.  This is a purpose I have for you.  

I know its not just me who teaches my children the ways of Jesus.  We belong to a community who takes the young under their wings as well, showing Jesus' love and grace and shows them all things Holy.  But when God grips you so tight, taking your hand and gently shifts  you over even if its just a tad to see what you're doing at a different angle it makes me kinda scared.  Their eternity... Holy boley.

But God is love and His grace is amazing and all the times He has guided and provided I cannot count.  To teach them to trust Him I must do the same.  I must take His hand and in moments of feeling unworthy or not experienced enough, remind myself life with Jesus is not about having it all figured out but having a relationship with Him most high.  He will guide me through each moment to teach them how to let Him guide them through each moment.  He's a true teacher and friend.  To show them that is vital.  He is nessessary.  He is Life.  He has to be fully embraced and intentionally lived. 

Thursday, October 25, 2012

What God can gift you in a day

It hit 23 degrees here today.  End of October, and everything is golden around us.  You would think on a day where two out of your four children had head lice one would be bonkers.  But when God gives you breath, and God gives you His grace, how can one flip when the wind blows so warm and graceful past you and babies look at the trees releasing what seems to be like gold.

Surrounded by golden foliage dancing to its final rest around you.  Not thousands in the bank account but you still feel super rich.

The smell in the air is pure perfection.  The smell of autumn whispering "He is good"

The children run around, kart wheels in bare feet and the leaves leap off their toes.

Tehillah, almost three months sits in awe of ash tree dropping what is almost like petals around her.  One falls on her face and she almost doesn't seem to mind.  Curiosity in her eyes, and wonderment.

You just sit in awe of Gods goodness as you watch these children play and how the weather demands you be still and take it in.  These children who are such individuals who will never fit into any mold we would try to fit them into because they were handcrafted so beautifully.  To sit back and wonder who they will become as they become adults is mind boggling.

The tree's highlights reflect on all that come into their midst and you are clothed in their colour.

And the repetitive combing through hair does not seem like a hindrance because its in a day like this its obvious to see that God is good.  His creation hinting at how glorious it will be when Christ restores all goodness.

Its a taste of bliss and its not far to find when eye lids are opened.
Blankets are laid out on the grass hidden and taken back into the house, leaves dance across the carpet and remind us that His goodness can be carried anywhere because He is in us.

And even though the day was long and daily tasks on hold it was so good.  All is well because He is good.

Friday, October 19, 2012

Its all bullying no matter how you look at it.

This will most likley come off sounding condeming or rude and finger pointing but its really bugging me. 
In light of suicide caused by bullying, Amanda Todd has made the country talk.  People are standing up and police are cracking down on people who like to pray on people verbally and physically.
However, it doesn't stop here.  Way too often I have noticed how careless we can be not even 24 hours after we hashtag #stopbullying or share a young girls last words on YouTube, sharing our discust with the people who tore her down. Then we turn around post passive aggressive or just plain aggressive posts about our political leaders, wifes, ex-wives, husbands, ex-husbands, friends, family, neighbors. Now I know families, friends, teachers, kids, neighborhoods and politics (politicians get a lot of negativity these days) can be difficult and full of all sorts of not so nice things... But do you honestly think it helps to bash them constantly?  Is this not bullying too? Do I need to go on? Is this not all bullying?  Yes everyone is entitled to their opinions and yes people can make us angry or frustrated.  But to belittle and bash is seriously not going to make it better.  Society rips people who displease them a new one and then cry out because a girl killed herself because of bullying...come on now tell me how this makes sense?  Its all the same.  I do not care if these people being bashed ever see what is being said or not, others do and it sets forth more negativity into this world and haven't we had enough? 

Thursday, October 11, 2012

My consistent in my inconsistency

I have noticed that there is a constant way of doing in my life that has been sorta scattered.  Let me try to explain this with my brain turning a zillion miles a minute.  I was dwelling on this last night in the quiet that was not so quiet and I noticed as I tried to begin a new knitting project that I unraveled because I was already bored with it that I rarely finish things.
As a child when I would play Barbies or games with my friends that I would want to dwell on the one situation.  Replay the same scenario in our game over and over again, because it was climatic or interesting and fun.  I don't know how many story lines were finished, or even more events had in the tale I was creating.
I love to knit, I love to crochet.  However large projects take years to complete.  I know this is the case for a lot of people... simply because its busy these days and most people just really don't have the time.  However I do believe there is enough time in my evenings to get something accomplished sooner than two/three years later.
I get notions that are notions and never become reality.
We live in such a chaotic society if you think about it.  My evenings alone can consist of a dozen things going on at once. I live on information overload.

I was talking to a friend of mine about this the other day and the words were "You're just inconsistant. Thats just how God made you to be."

Those words hurt.  If this is how God made me to be then why do I feel bad about it?  Does everyone really look at me as inconsistent?

Labels started to circle through my head.  You know when the enemy of your own mind begins to remind you of all that is wrong with yourself. And I know I'm not here to please people but please Him.  I wont label them here because this blog post isn't for a pity party.  

These are just the thoughts that came together in the shower.
I was reminded of this quote I found on Pinterest (on one of my overload evenings to be exact) "Labels are awful. They imprison us in categories that are hard to escape. Those labels start out as little threads of self-dissatisfaction but ultimately weave together into a straitjacket of self-condemnation. LABELS ONLY STICK IF I LET THEM. Lysa TerKeurst in her book Unglued.

God reminded me of the fact that there is one constant thought that runs through my brain.  That is Jesus.  I have had people say to me "You love Jesus too much." or "You talk too much Jesus."  I know I think a lot of Jesus.  Not even full thoughts sometimes.. its not like I'm replaying Bible truths through my head..  just His name is there.  His presence.


He is my consistent in the chaos.  Sometimes I want to dwell on a high moment of this consistency, but have learned there are many many high moments with Him that I continue to let Him write my story and follow Him.  Sometimes I have tried to run ahead of Him in the story only to find I get into a mess.  I have even tried to ignore this constant Christ and loose Him as my filter for the day and just live "fleshy" for a few moments..or a whole day... but HE is still on my mind.  The thought of His love and His kindness and His goodness is still there.


I can barley get though a knitting pattern these days.  I get to about row 4 or 5 and I begin to get bored.  

The pattern of God in my mind is just one line that repeats.


Its the line I can repeat over and over and over again and the pattern will always be good, and different.  Knitting a life and a journey.  I continue this pattern because I know when I "bind off" in the end, this one part of my life, is the only one that will satisfy for eternity.

While I know I need to be able to accomplish important things in life that God has placed in my life for me to do, following His path for me and staying focused, there are so many things in life that I am so inconsistent with but I wonder now if that't because Holy Spirit is simply trying to get me away from it all in moments when He has something for me to be doing- even if its just something as simple as being still... I could use some more still.
To have that one consistent thought -Jesus- not weaving through the chaos, but the chaos turning to peace and weaving through Him.

Wednesday, September 26, 2012

where my "annoyances" come from

The past few weeks I have really started to process my roll as a wife and a mother to my children and started to try and renew my focus in these areas. I never gave up on this roll in the past 8 years but sometimes I think my focus shifts from everyone else to myself quick and I think with the birth of our fourth two months ago it really once again put my roll back into perspective.  I really feel God has called me and placed this desire in my heart to do.
I am not a perfect mother or a perfect wife.  But God has reminded me daily that while He doesn't call me to be a perfect Mom or wife, He has placed this calling on my life and will walk me through each step of the way.
I begin putting purpose in each step of my day.  Waking up before the kids to have time with the Lord, even if right now that looks like using my Bible on my phone, light dimmed while I nurse our baby, because at six am our five year old is up and ready to go.  It reminds me of Mark 1:35-37 "While it was still night, way before dawn, He (Jesus) got up and went out to a secluded spot and prayed.  Simon and those with Him went looking for Him.  They found Him and said "everybody is looking for you."
That's TOTALLY how my mornings go.  They peek in my room and find me and for the next 13 hours I try to be theirs and my husbands.
I find there is an annoyance though, but it is one that I have conjured up myself.  I annoy myself.  How many times do I tell my husband I want to be the one who takes care of the things of the house, so he can rest when he is not out working to provide the money for our home.  I tell him that's his job, and this is my job.  But when I begin to feel tired and worn out, or I wake up on the wrong side of the bed or don't want to do my job do I feel restless, impatient and downright nasty.  I begin to have arguments in my head with my husband of how he doesn't "do anything" around the house (which is a bold faced lie because he does, just not at that moment when I'm having this argument with him mentally).  The dishes begin to get really loud as I put them away in the kitchen and the garbage is FLUNG into the can outside.  The laundry which hasn't been magically folded because someone hasn't done it for me even though I haven't even hinted at asking begins to laugh at me all piled and wrinkled.   I begin to resent him when he is checking updates on twitter or on the news because "he is just doing that way to much today" (even though I did it the day before constantly and that day as well.).  When the convictions I feel about myself I feel he should automatically have too ;)
My kids have bad days.  My daughter is 8 going on 18... its a battle some days in this house and I am supposed to show them Christ and also discipline without myself going postal.
It takes a lot of patience not to yell and scream on days where we are all over tired or over selfish.
It takes a lot of patience not to yell and scream on the days where I have my stuff together but no one else does.
It takes a lot of patience not to yell and scream on the days where they all have it together but I don't.
But God is there in the midst and it takes a lot of grace to get through a day and He is more than willing to provide it when I humble myself and admit "Hey, no one in this house is perfect" and ask Him to lead the way.  We have a sign above our kitchen counter that reads "Jesus reigns in this place".
I wake up and as I'm preparing lunches and breakfast and nursing a baby in a sling, I see this and I have to remember that its not anyone else but Him that can really run this place at a pace and a rhythm that will work for all of us.  That when I have to remember to align myself with His purpose for me, He literally helps.  Some people don't get it but I guess unless you have literally experienced His presence..that knowing His Spirit is guiding you, I guess its hard to understand.
I have had to lay myself down and pick up the fruits of His Spirit.
I do get rest.  He does give me rest.  I don't have to demand it.  There are days I want to sit down and all day play on Facebook and to be honest there have been two of those days this week.  I don't want to come off sounding like a hypocrite.  Its in those days I am most on edge.  As if there are dishes again, as if there is a potty to be emptied.  I have demanded time for myself that hasn't in a sense been given to me for myself.   Everyday there are moments of rest that unselfishly present them self from God, and I give thanks to God for them.   Those moments are not always after the kids go to bed, but generally speaking they are.  It is in the days where everything has gotten done because we have worked on the Lords timetable and not our own and its on those days I have said "it is well" at the end.


Saturday, September 15, 2012

When we are not out of the woods yet...

There is a saying that popped up on a feed today on social media about an event in ones life that is so hard and rough and dark that all they could mutter was that they needed more prayers because "we're not out of the woods yet."

How dark and scary this place can be, when all seems to fall apart.  Where it seems the path that started turns into potholes and weeds so thick you can not longer find your footing.

How the tree roots seem to be almost rotting and you don't know how you can stay grounded and all you can do is literally push through the day at full force to exhaust yourself or give into the darkness and fall down a rabbit hole and succumb to all that's eating you alive.

But in order for us to know there is such a think as darkness we need to remember there is also such a thing as light.  Light can be beautiful.  There is always always light if there is darkness.  You cannot have understanding of one if you don't have anything to compare it too.

I write this while I'm in a time where I am embracing Light, and when I say that I mean Christ.  When I am on such a high of His light and His love that its hard to try and write about darkness and what it feels like when all I can feel is Light.  Where my footing feels lighter and more deliberate if that makes sense.  Like walking on a cloud.  But I have been in that forest of darkness and as time passes we go through cycles of it again and again.

There is light in that darkness.  High above those twisted canopies, hiding in nooks and crannies where the light has penetrated through the trunks that grow tall.  Where that woods can feel like a prison, but I think of how those prison windows even show a shadow of the bars along the floor from light.

There is light.  In times where we want to so desperately feel its warmth sometimes we have to start digging or running or chasing.  To not give up and fight for it because it can be robbed from us so quick.

His light is ever present in times of trouble.  He never leaves or forsakes us.  The light of Christ radiates from within us... and its the most easily accessible but most often forgotten.
Be still and know that He is there.
Be still and know that the woods have an exit
Be still and know that He is God and He loves you.
Shine your light and let the whole world see....

Wednesday, September 12, 2012

Multitudes of Gifts 460-491

The atmosphere turns to misty breaths and sweaters are unfolded onto wee children as the sunrises and breakfast is created in a warm kitchen.  Warm coffee pours into deep mugs and sweetened with sugar and a laugh.  Autumn comes calling and children stuff backpacks with new shoes and lunches.  Each moment is a gift.  Some seen obvious and some you have to peel through some curiosity first.  My multitude of gifts continues a few days late but never the less is present each day

460- back to school for two children
461- new bus service
462- children trying to see their breath out in the cool of the morning
463- fog so thick around tree trunks
464- crochet completed, fall hats created
465- 8th birthdays celebrated
466- Gods reminder of trust in finances
467- six weeks old at 9 lbs 9 oz
468- warmer baby wraps pulled from closets
467- baby booties knitted and worn
468- handmedown powerwheels, a three year old smiles
469- making first ever pumpkin cinnamon rolls.
470- cream cheese icing 
471- pumpkin spice lattes...
472- ...everything pumpkin
473- cloth diapers so flouresent they make her legs glow LOL
474- a visit with my brother and sister in law.
475-  Western Fair.
476- roller coasters
477- cotton candy
478- coffee houses

479- late night prayer
480- praying for a baby far away.  heart breaking, hope rising, God working
481- rainbows over fun
482- final midwife appts, bittersweet and had to hold back tears as I boarded the bus home after saying goodbye
483- scented erasers- fascinated children
484- sunlight beaming through lace curtains.  Joy dancing through rays
485- "my pork chops not working"- Zayden
486- "I cant make water"- Zayden
488- long jeans skirts
489- Kisses from children
490- husbands hard work
491- a three year olds determination... while frustrating you gotta admit..could prove useful someday ;) 

Tuesday, September 4, 2012

Photoshopping Jesus

Today my husband showed me a picture on the computer of something that was outstanding, but most likely "Photoshopped".  I cant see in any way shape or form how it could be real.

A few moments before that I had read in 1 John 2:27... and I wondered that during my journey if I have tried to "Photoshop Jesus"...

A few days ago I wrote here how I could not fully explain how I work this life with Jesus out.  How I cant say I conform or fit in with a perfect set of whatever's.   How we need to seek Him and if we didn't know how that we should pray.  He will teach us.  How I found beauty in a lot of the different ways denominations of various kinds seek Christ and create that relationship with Him.

Lately I have shared what seems to be a yearly occurrance about my yearly Autumn struggle to understand God.  How during this time of seeking all over the place, some places good some bad. Some over and over again. Christ always draws me in close to Him and I regain my center.

1 John 2:27 says in the Message version in which I read it in
 I've written to warn you about those who are trying to deceive you. But they're no match for what is embedded deeply within you—Christ's anointing, no less! You don't need any of their so-called teaching. Christ's anointing teaches you the truth on everything you need to know about yourself and him, uncontaminated by a single lie. Live deeply in what you were taught.

Who was John talking about?  Who are these decievers?  It's a big scary word and its the anti-Christ.  I used to always put this word in line with Revelations but it is so much more than that.  

When you back up in 1 John, chapter 2 verses 18-23 (NASB) says
Children, it is the last hour; and just as you heard that antichrist is coming, even now many antichrists have appeared; from this we know that it is the last hour.  They went out from us, but they were not really of us; for if they had been of us, they would have remained with us; but they went out, so that it would be shown that they all are not of us.  But you have an anointing from the Holy One, and you all know. I have not written to you because you do not know the truth, but because you do know it, and because no lie is of the truth. Who is the liar but the one who denies that Jesus is the Christ? This is the antichrist, the one who denies the Father and the Son. Whoever denies the Son does not have the Father; the one who confesses the Son has the Father also. 

I am so much more and more and much more convinced over these past few weeks and months and years of seeking Christ, learning all avenues and crevases of human creativity that what it absolutely has to come down to is the truth of Christ.  As I searched and venture I have always come across things that I would absolutely love and adore to place into how I want to carry out my journey with the Lord, but those things ultimately say something to me that the Holy Spirit tells me to run far from.  There are other things that do align themselves with Christ and I embrace.  How important it is for me to remember as one who have a relationship with Christ is that He has given me His Spirit to guide me, and its so important that I spend time understanding what His voice sounds like and to really listen to Him, and to teach my children the same.  I don't ever want to Photoshop Jesus, to edit Him or parts of Him out so that He better suits something that I know doesn't fit.  How can His light fully shine to me and through me if I were to do this?  What parts of what He wants to share with me would I miss out on if I did this?  His truth wont change if I change it.  He is who He says He is, was and will forever be.  

I sit here today just reaffirming to myself in blog form that Holy Spirit needs to be acknowledged and listened too with a very open ear.  Christ's message of love and hope must be forever clung too and being His hands and feet are essential in walking with Him.    

Thursday, August 30, 2012

He is embracing His walk with you.

“Do not say that it is impossible to receive the Spirit of God. Do not say that it is possible to be made whole without Him. Do not say that one can possess Him without knowing it. Do not say that God does not manifest Himself to man. Do not say that men cannot perceive the divine light, or that it is impossible in this age! Never is it found to be impossible, my friends. On the contrary, it is entirely possible when one desires it” (Hymn 27, 125-132)

- St. Symeon

I have searched for God while He has guided me.  I trust Him to show me when things are right and when things are wrong.  I have felt awakened by God but it doesn't mean I don't go through times of not so much doubt, but desiring and craving more.  Where what I have is not enough.  Christ is enough, but to desire Him more closely.  If Jesus was a drug I most certainly am addicted.  I have opened my mind to others opinions on Him.  I have read every red letter in my Bible, I have read countless of peoples desire to be closer to Him.  I have read the gnostic writings (although I didn't agree with a lot of them but still gained an understanding on what they believe and could probably carry a conversation with one who believes this way now).  I have tried to gain and understanding of Him through the eyes of so many.  In the end it is Him that satisfies my soul.  He pours out His love and I can say it is well.  He always just brings me to Himself.  All the knowledge in the world, will never amount to knowing Him personally.

When I have a question about God,  I seek Him more.  I seek Him in the strangest of places.  He is always waiting for me there.

I couldn't write out my theory of how to approach God, or what my firm beliefs on how to interpret the Bible are.  I desire to understand Hebrew and Greek.  Its on my bucket list.  I am fascinated with the studies of original writings.  I find the language to be beautiful and I respect it highly.   I cannot identify myself in a certain denomination or non denomination of Christians.  I see beauty in all of the churches.   I find absolute beauty in the tradition of the Catholic church, the knowledge and understanding of Scripture from the Baptists I have been in fellowship with.  I find such awe of the love for Christ that the Christian Mystics have,  I have a deep understanding towards the gatherings of Christians who meet in their homes, in their backyards, in their gardens.   Holy Spirit guiding in many forms to bring us closer to Jesus Christ our God.

I keep most of my study time with God to myself.  I am afraid to share a lot of the times what I search and discover, what I find truth in.  I don't think anything that I find to go against Christian beliefs, but I guess my fear of man still hasn't fully vacated this vessel.   All I know that the more I peel apart and the more I seek the more I love God.  I sometimes share the end result, but the way I come to the end result during these times of picking apart the entire universe I think I sometimes hide.  I have shared before, and been put down because how I interpreted a moment in my walk with Christ was not how someone has interpreted or known as okay... does this make sense?  Has anyone else had this happen?  I have been terrified to experience God in certain ways because I have been afraid of what people think...

But I question that tonight because if how we have discovered or how Christ has shared something with us is hidden, someone else who is seeking Christ the same way might be afraid to share as well.   

Where am I going with this...  I honestly am not really sure, this is probably going to be a lot of rambling.  Just my heart tonight. .. had a bad day and in the end realized going to God with it at probably around five would have been a lot better than at 9... when I pour out my heart finally to Him and He pours His love out on me... after a few hours of complaining to the entire atmosphere that life totally has sucked today...

Seeking Christ. ... I wanna scream dont let any man or woman tell you you are doing it wrong. Ofcourse there are teachers and pastors and leaders who can help guide you but always remember Jesus said HE is the way... so seek Him.  Seek the Kingdom of God... seek His opinion.  Call upon His Spirit.  Holy Spirit will guide you through a whirlwind of awesomeness.  Don`t let people take your testimony of what He shows you.  Get into the Bible, get Him to open it up to you to more than just a old book with stories in it.  Before the Bible was so boring to me, now words jump off the pages.  Dont expect your friends who aren`t following God to understand either.  They are going to think you are nuts.  Let them, and pray that God will open their eyes too.  And Thank God everyday for what He shows you.  When a scripture pops up and says just what you needed to hear thank and praise Him.  When you feel His presence while listening to a song, thank Him.  When (this ones for me) you feel the most amazing breeze hit your face just right and you just feel such a peace thank Him.  When someone speaks words of life to you, and prays with you, and shares their testimony with you, thank Him.

Embrace your walk with Him because He is embracing His walk with you.

He is loving when you have your ``ah ha`moments about Him.  He probably laughs right along with you and says `I KNEW she`d love that!` He loves when we come to Him with our stuff.  He loves to love on you.

God longs to just love on you and teach you things and show you things and make you smile.  He does take us through the valleys but remember during those times He is still there and He still encourages and loves on us (even when you wanna pull your hair out.)

And if you don`t know how.. pray... that is the `how` I think.  Call out to Christ.  Seek and you shall find... 

Friday, August 24, 2012

When Autumn comes early and confusion turns to joy

My autumn came earlier this year.  Not the season, but autumn for me is a time I thought has always been a time of confusion spiritually.  Its when I yearn to feel God strongest yet always feel a struggle to make things I wanna make work work.  The first evening that the breeze felt cool and I poured tea instead of something cold, I began to feel a pull.  I always come out of the journeys closer to God, but the journeys themselves are something I struggle to embrace because they are hard.  They cause me to question, they cause me to seek hard and press in strong.  I'm glad God presses in hard too.

At three am when struggling to stay awake while feeding the baby, there is the Word calling out.  I have read so many different parts of Gods word in the past few weeks in the weirdest hours of the night than I think I ever have.  While the newest babe of only three weeks nursed contently I was in proverbs, John, Genesis, Job, Luke, Isaiah... I was everywhere.  I downloaded a concordance for my phone.  I find myself learning Hebrew meanings while the sun is peeking out over the horizon and the Son is rising up inside...

Wisdom... that one word... chokmah, sophia, took me on the most massive journey this past 72 hrs...  He gave me one word, it turns into a whirlwind and then a calm.

I went all over the place. The internet can be a very helpful tool or a very huge danger zone for anything.  I opened my eyes and I took Gods hand and I feared and I cried, I giggled, I anticipated, and I just knew God was taking me somewhere.  I've always said "Just trust Him for even a day and see what He does."  Christ is phenominal.  I'd read some things and then get back into Scripture, I'd get into the Hebrew and the Greek, I would pray... oh how I prayed-  Holy Spirit guide me and don't let me go-  I learned... a LOT.  I learned from many perspectives, and while I fear this, I still felt Gods comfort and His gentle guidance.  I discovered, I unraveled, I embraced, I let go.. I sought. I asked many friends questions via text, phone, random moments.  I hit up  Google and Wiki and was in the Bible like I probably should be everyday.

I learned things I dismissed and picked up treasures from Christ that I have treasured now deep inside.  There were nail biting reads, there were sighs of relief, there was history, culture, language, physics, mathematics, colours, spirals, pauses, reflection, love, strength, singing, worship, fear, knowledge...

I regained the wisdom in knowing the one thing I now know I once again needed to understand and grab hold of-

Christ is huge.

And He Himself existed before all things, and in Him all things consist (cohere, are held together)- Colossians 1:17 amplified.

I struggle every year because its this time of year I feel a presence of divinity in nature.  I struggle because I have feared year after year that to feel His presence in the wind or to smell something Holy in the Autumn air is somehow horribly horribly wrong.  That when it rains on an October morning and I feel a cleansing and a peace that I somehow am not following a Christian way.

Tonight I sit here with a tea and a smile and tears of thankfulness because after reading page after page after page I have that release from the Holy Spirit, one peice of Scripture to save my aching head to say that in Him, my Jesus, all things consist and are held together... everything.  Its all about Him and its all through Him.  This is something I knew but didn't...if that makes sense.  When these emotions or feelings rise up and I feel joy, He's telling me I dont have to repress it because He created it all, for us, to enjoy and as creation all gives the glory to Him, so do I.  Praising Him along with it all.

Job 38:5-7
Amplified Bible 
Who determined the measures of the earth, if you know? Or who stretched the measuring line upon it? 
Upon what were the foundations of it fastened, or who laid its cornerstone,  when the morning stars sang together and all the sons of God shouted for joy?

Wednesday, August 8, 2012

Three becomes four and the household shifts...

Its been one week since Tehillah-Joy made her way out of my womb and into a warm pool of water in our dining room, surrounded by love and joy.  I prayed for this little girl for a year before she was conceived, I prayed for her through the entire pregnancy, the ups and the downs.  Surrounded by support and love, the frustrating times became easier and the joyful times were beautiful.

Her relationship with me is one that requires warmth, security, protection and a breast.  I cannot take my eyes off her, she has totally captivated me, and totally activated awe towards her small hands and feet.  When they are that small, and so dependant on you, ones life becomes one easily sacrificed to tend to their every need.  Through exhaustion that I cant even call exhaustion because its such a negative word.... I am tired, very tired, but its a tiredness I don't even think I can complain about today.  Its a tiredness worth had because I spend the night cuddling a nursing one week old tiny girl and got up early to take our children to play at the park.

She is our fourth.  And I feel this way towards all of them.  When our three year old begins to do something hillarious (or something sneaky but with one eye brow raised) I cant help but feel so in love with that kid, even if it is something he does that is wrong.  While he needs to be disciplined, afterwards one cant help but chuckle... sometimes from the fact that there is just nothing else you can do! 

Our five year old learned how to ride his bike without training wheels this week... on his own, without the help of my husband and I.  Now he books it around the neighborhood, going over tree roots as jumps, a plastic bottle stuck in the back wheel so it sounds like a motor bike.  The smile and determination in his face as he shares all he has done brings so much joy.

Our seven year old.  What a help she has been since Tehillah-Joy came into our lives.  She is very willing to help with her, and even more willing these days to help with her brothers which before was a bit of an eye roller for her.  She loves to assist in the little things and it just seems she is growing up so fast before our eyes.  Looking at her baby book the other day makes us realize just how far Alexis has come.  Her love of Christ grows more and more, her questions and smiles make us proud parents.

There are days I want to pull my hair out.  There are nights where bedtime cannot come fast enough.  But it doesn't matter.  These four children still bring me so much joy.  My patience gets better each day.   I have said it before that I firmly believe God has put this calling of being a Mother and a wife and homemaker in my lap and while I may need a bit of help in the homemaking department I want to use these relationships in my life to glorify the Lord.  He gave me these gifts.  And they are gifts...

Psalm 127:3-5
The Message (MSG)

 3-5 Don't you see that children are God's best gift?
      the fruit of the womb his generous legacy?
   Like a warrior's fistful of arrows
      are the children of a vigorous youth.
   Oh, how blessed are you parents,
      with your quivers full of children!
   Your enemies don't stand a chance against you;
      you'll sweep them right off your doorstep.

Its almost as though this little girl has renewed that within me, within the entire household.  A shift has clearly happened in our home.  Things are much busier, more laundry (especially with cloth diapers!), less sleep, more cleaning... but it feels as though things are easier.  Perhaps its because I am no longer hugely pregnant and running to the bathroom every ten minutes... whatever the reason I am so very thankful to God for blessing us with these beautiful children who I get the privilege of having a relationship with.

Friday, August 3, 2012

Tehillah-Joy- Birth Story- August 1st 2012

She is finally here.  Fearfully and wonderfully made, and so wonderful.
This pregnancy was different.  Her birth was as well different from her three siblings.  I promised so many people her birth story so I figure this is a good of way as any.

July 28th I woke up and knew my body was preparing for birth.  I also had mild contractions during the day and night, so much that on the 29th at around 3:30 in the morning I was begging my husband not to go to work.  He assured me that he'd be back long before anything would happen as he was only going in for a few hours.  Sure enough he was right, the contractions eventually stopped and I was able to sleep.  However the next night again they began to pick up. These were not braxton hicks, these were painful.. and again I figured this was it.  I spent most the night sitting on a birthing ball doing hip circles.  They were seven minutes apart for the most part, then spread to 15 and eventually again stopped.  I was beginning to now see a trend I wasn't overly pleased with.  Two nights of no sleep and I was starting to get a bit worn out.
On the 31st I paged my midwife and her and my secondary were both unavailable due to other child births.  I spoke with another midwife who I explained my exhaustion and how my labour seemed to be starting and stalling and I was wondering if Tehillah's positioning was off.  She told me to come in and be checked.  I was 2 cm's dialated...and I was a bit discouraged.  Baby was fine and I was fine, I was ordered to go home and sleep so I did and when I woke up I felt much more refreshed and not so emotional.
On the 1st of August I went to see my midwife at 10:30, and sure enough she checked Tehillah's positioning and she was a bit curved.  I was up again that night with contractions and when she checked me I was 3cm's.  She asked me if I wanted a sweep to see if things would jump start again.  I never was so excited to hear that question.  I came home and my friend Carly and I went for a huge walk that I think took about 45 minutes to complete, out on the bike paths and streets in our neighbourhood.  I had a few twinges and such but no contractions.
At about 2:30 pm I started to notice contractions and while they were much like the ones before I kept telling myself this was it and started to walk around the house trying to keep vertical.  I washed the dishes and tidied, and at about 3pm I started to realize that the contractions were rather close together so I figured I best time them.  They were about 5-6 minutes apart and I decided to text my friend Dawn who was going to come be my doula/support for the labour and birth.  It was funny because I texted her "don't go to Toronto any time soon" as a joke, and it turns out she was leaving for Toronto the next day. I also had my husband call his Dad and step Mom to pick up our boys who were not interested on being at the birth.  They came within the half hour to pick them up for the night.  
Dawn showed up as well and the contractions were still the same.  I had to breathe through them, but I could laugh and joke, so I had not really thought of talking to my midwife at all yet.  At 3:45 I had two contractions that were 7 minutes apart and I started to get a bit doubtful.  Were they going to go away again?  Then they jumped to 3-4 minutes apart and I remember leaning over our computer desk timing them on my phone and after each one I would say "Im paging Sarah" (my midwife).  But after it was over I would say that I'd wait and see.  At about a quarter to five I told my husband and Dawn I wanted into the pool and they began to fill it up.  My daughter took pictures and was very excited.  I then paged Sarah at about five to five and she said she'd make a few phone calls then be on her way.
When she got here I was in the tub focusing on breathing.  Im not sure what time she arrived but when she checked my cervix I was at 5cm.  I was still able to talk and chat between without much fear of the next one.    She began to bring in the gear and see who was going to be my secondary midwife since my secondary was unable to come.  Turns out Annette who was the midwife I had seen the day before was on her way along with a student midwife also named Sarah.  They were all wonderful.  When they got to our house it was about ten after seven.  I don't know if at this point or not I was getting into more serious business, I know there came a point where I didnt know who was coming and going.  My Mother in Law and Pat had arrived, my friend Carly was there as well.  My daughter had gone outside at this point for a bit as seeing me in pain was something she needed a break from.  It was also around this point the ice cream truck came by playing its ice cream truck music and I said a few choice words about its timing ;)  Very annoying to hear Pop Goes the Weasle when you are in labour.  The contractions were hurting so bad and I wasn't sure what position I wanted to be in so I tried a few, and I made more noise then any of my other births.  I think I probably frightened the neighbours.  But it felt so good!!!
At about 8pm my midwife asked if I wanted to have my water broken or not since I had with the other ones. I decided I would have it done since I knew it can help it go faster and at this point I just wanted it to be over (Between arguing in my head to go to the hospital and "get the darn drugs" and begging God to just take the pain away because He is fully capable I was not a happy camper) apparently I have very strong membranes and we were not sure she even broke them. I felt pressure and I wanted to push, so I did small pushes with contractions and grunts.  I dont know how often I opened my eyes, answered anyone's questions.  I remember Dawn applying a cold cloth to my head and telling me to drink.  I remember hearing people telling me I was doing an amazing job and I remember hearing something about banana bread.
At 8:20 my midwife asked me if she could check me again to see how close I was to being 10cm's.  She checked me and told me there was just a bit of cervix covering the path and at 8:25 I think she helped move it.  I'm not sure.

With that it was on.  I felt the burn and I felt her come down fast and I thought "oh great how long do I have to deal with the burning ring of fire for.  I forgot how much this stings!!!"   Then all of a sudden her head came out.  I was told to stop pushing so the baby's body could be rotated just a touch and out popped Tehillah-Joy at 8:26.  She floated into the water and I remember seeing her big eyes looking as she was brought up out of the water and onto my chest.  She didn't cry but was so observant.  She was so calm.  They rubbed her a bit and she made some noise but was quite calm.  She was little compared to our others who were 9lbs-10lbs.  When the weighed her she came in at 7lbs 12 oz!  I guess London Ontario water is not as fattening as Ottawa Valley water! ;)
Things with four children is pretty fun.  Besides the hormone change and a bit of breastfeeding trouble we have been adjusting very well.  She looks so much like our son Tayven when he was a baby and he is very proud of this.  He has been telling us that she "looks just like me."   Zayden keeps rubbing her head and telling us she is "so ute!" (cute).  Alexis loves her little sister and holds her lots and lots.  Tehillah really likes to be held by her too and cuddles in.  It really makes Alexis feel special.  Today we got to wrap her up and take her for her first babywearing adventure.  We only went to the corner store and back but you have no idea how wonderful it is to be babywearing again!  So thrilled.  Dylan is such a proud Daddy, taking pictures of her on his phone all the time, holding her and talking to her about life.  Its so amazing.  God really blessed us with four amazing children.  I cannot thank Him enough.  

Wednesday, July 18, 2012

Awaiting and A Hope

We have two weeks to go till my due date.  I'm 38 weeks today.

While last week my mind was filled with anxiousness, tiredness and even just days ago I could honestly say "I'm done being pregnant."

Today I woke up with a peace.  I'm still a sweaty hot mess, 213 pounds of pregnant hormones,  I felt God's presence telling me I need to be patient.

I thought back to my other labors... trying to prepare.  I honestly do not remember how it felt.  I know I was in pain... but I cant remember the pains intensity anymore.  God assures me this is a good sign.  I can do it again.  I remember my pregnancy woes way more than my labor woes.  I am the type of person who would rather deliver a baby weekly than carry nine months that's for sure.  But God also assures me that I made it with the other children who were all late, I will make it this time too, late or not.

We tested and timed the pumping and filling of the "lobster shark pool" as its been named in our house for the water birth I hope to have.  20 minutes from deflated to "climb in and try and relax".   My youngest boy watched as we filled it up and asked me if I wanted to play with toys in there.  "Baby out today?"  I assured him no, but he wasn't satisfied with that so I told him it was just too hot (It was 47 C with the humidity).  That seemed to work.

I know God is going to be my comfort during this labor... and that has to as well mean the days up to the big day.  I have to trust His timing in it.  With my other pregnancies I remember doing the evening primrose oil, raspberry leaf tea etc to try and make sure my kids came on time (two were around 10 days late).  This time while the temptation is there, I keep saying "no" because I really want God to have all the control in this.  I wonder if I will have that kind of self control if she decides to come late?

Tonight as I was cleaning up the kitchen I was having mild contractions, something I'm accustomed too, been having them for weeks.  But for the first time I thought "How wonderful of God to give us signs that birth is coming"... maybe not within the next few days, or weeks even, but that its coming.  That my body is preparing for our fourth child's arrival.  A woman's body does wild things in preparation for childbirth, aches and pains and hormonal messes, but they are truly all signs that my body is doing something extra ordinary.  It is a blessing to be able to carry a child and also to matter how it looks.  I think now too, that each contraction, regardless if it is "practice" or not, is a chance to focus on God and pray.  That each day that passes and I don't give birth, is a chance to trust once again in Him.  

I have an amazing support system, and I am thankful for all the prayers and spiritual advice I have received.  Constant reminders that the Great I Am is on my side.  That I just have to keep focused on Him because He will do what is best... and when I have a hormonal meltdown perhaps within the next few days... refer me to this blog please! HA HA HA!

Embracing Jesus - Cleansing the Temple John 2:13-25

The Passover of the Jews was near, and Jesus went up to Jerusalem.   And He found in the temple those who were selling oxen and sheep and doves, and the money changers seated at their tables.  And He made a scourge of cords, and drove them all out of the temple, with the sheep and the oxen; and He poured out the coins of the money changers and overturned their tables;  and to those who were selling the doves He said, “Take these things away; stop making My Father’s house a place of business.”  His disciples remembered that it was written, “ Zeal for Your house will consume me.”   The Jews then said to Him, “ What sign do You show us as your authority for doing these things?”  Jesus answered them, “ Destroy this temple, and in three days I will raise it up.”   The Jews then said, “It took forty-six years to build this temple, and will You raise it up in three days?” But He was speaking of the temple of His body. So when He was raised from the dead, His disciples remembered that He said this; and they believed the Scripture and the word which Jesus had spoken.
Now when He was in Jerusalem at the Passover, during the feast, many believed in His name, observing His signs which He was doing.  But Jesus, on His part, was not entrusting Himself to them, for He knew all men, and because He did not need anyone to testify concerning man, for He Himself knew what was in man.  John 2:13-25

I chewed on this for a long time.  My initial impressions of this passage were rather negative in regards to our churches today and I wasn't sure I agreed with what I was first feeling, so I let it be as I promised myself I would and waited till I was sure.
There are a lot of churches that are taking this passage seriously in my eyes.  There are a lot of churches that are not using their buildings as a place of business but a place of Christ.  We are the church and our bodies are His temple.  The buildings the body of Christ fellowships in are being used to reach out to their communities, to the lost, those who need help.  They are not interested on what they look like on the inside, they spend little on appearance and pump out what is brought in to help those who truly need it.   We cannot use our churches as a place of personal gain, and I honestly haven't been in a church that has.  Praise God.

When Jesus is showing His authority all I can think of in this instance is "truth".  Jesus always does what He says He is going to do.  He was talking about His body being raised up in three days... and it happened.  

Tuesday, July 17, 2012

The urgency to tell

This blog post may come way to early and pain may still be fresh for some after yesterday, however I believe the issue at hand is vital.

I received a text message last night, telling me a girl we went to high school with had died unexpectedly.  I don't know details and to be quite honest I do not remember the girl all too well.  But God still created her. Her life, like anyone else on this earth is important.  She was created by God for a purpose.

I had gone onto her Facebook page to see if I could recognize her, and while the face wasn't grasping my mind, the post below did.  Beautiful wonderful posts saying that people would see her in Heaven one day, that she was another angel added to the masses of wonderful ones already there.  Lots of hearts and tears and wonderful wonderful prayers out to her family and friends.  She was someone who was loved, by many people here and by Christ Himself.

But as I laid in bed last night this unsettling feeling started to sink and I started to feel really upset and torn and I do not know what else.  God was not letting this go for me.

You see, will all these people truly see her again one day in Heaven?  Are they saved?  Do they KNOW Christ and follow Him?

The thing that I felt God really wanted to show me last night is how much the world believes that its a one way ticket into the gates of Heaven.  That we all waltz in because we do good.  Christ said its not by works that we are saved, but by believing and trusting in Him.  I hear it everyday, but it never really hit me like it did last night.  The fact is, in Christianity the rule is "You have Christ, or you don't get in."  Blunt yes.  But if you read your Bible, Jesus was pretty blunt about it too.  Actually reading Matthew last night gave me a good understand on how blunt Jesus was.  Not in an angry bitter way, but He didn't beat around the bush.

So why do so many of us not feel that there is a STRONG urgency to be making sure people get this.  Especially ones who do claim to love Jesus?  I'm not saying to go with a megaphone and start yelling at people to repent, but when opportunity knocks to share, why are we so afraid too?  This is VITAL.  This is peoples eternity. 

He is the Alpha and Omega.  The Beginning and the End.  He's the edges, middle, circumference, outside, inside, every particle of it is Him.  There is no room for anything else because He never made room for anything else.  There is no room to be saved by your works or good deeds (while He does ask us to do them for Him, to be His hands and feet and we are rewarded) because He didn't make room for that.  Its just HIM.  So therefore, we need to have Him, in order to be able to spend eternity with Him as His intended creation.  Not angels- because we don't become them either when we get to Heaven, they are an entire different creation to begin with- but to become spotless and blameless and just loved loved loved as He loves each and every one of us now.  Its going to be a time of beauty, wonderful praise and joy.  But our relationship with Christ cannot start once we are there, because then its too late, it needs to start now, while we have to option to decided yes or no.  And I have not in a long time felt just how urgent it is.

Monday, July 16, 2012

Multitudes of Gifts 446-459

Im so behind in my 1000 gifts, they happen, they have most likely soared over 1000 by now.   I started this list weeks ago, and finally coming to sit and continue.

446- bbq's with church family
447- feeling Gods total and absolute presence during worship
448- Unborn child spoken over. "Order.  Theres an army rising up"-  so very interested in what this child is going to do in the world when she makes her appearance
449- face painting
450- complete meltdowns by three year olds that cause a very pregnant mother to carry him home and cause her back to go out, because even in this God was there and He showed me things...mostly about my patience. LOL
451- children on a two week journey to my Mothers, lots of fun to be had, safe return
452-  getting last minute details done for this miss to make her arrival in August
453-  beach trips with inlaws and cousins.  Port Stanley and Grand Bend for the first time for myself.  Beautiful days
454-  Sunfest on a Saturday with my husband.  A beautiful day. so much food!!
456-  dress up with a darling wee girl
457-  crochet baby headbands
458-  deep deep discussions with people about Christ.  Some really hard, some really easy
459-  free yarn
460-  farmers markets
461-  new crib mattress
462-  birthing tub purchased.  I FIT! LOL
463-  ladies Bible Study.
464-  7 year old daughters eye for photography.  She only asks for a snow cone for payment.  Saving me hundreds this month! LOL
465-  Worship with other churches in London in Springbank Park.  Beautiful three hours of dancing and singing, sending praises to God Most High!
457-  stolen wallet.  Thankful nothing else was stolen and that things can be replaced
458-  rainfall much needed.
459-  a comfortable happy big baby in my belly.  Midwife thinks she's not going to come before her due date.  Anxious to see how big she will be.

Sunday, July 15, 2012

what I learned while my children were gone.

My children, all three of them, left at the end of June to go on a two week vacation with my Mother and her husband to the Ottawa Valley to their home so my husband and I could get some relaxation time and prepare for Miss. Tehillah-Joy.  We got a lot accomplished, as well as had many days of relaxation, beach, dinner, festivals and movies.

But it was like daily a piece of me was missing, like someone had taken off an arm of mine or something..that body part Mothers don't realize they have till its cut off.  Our kids.

While it was a bitter-sweet few weeks, it was quiet, no fighting, no five am wake ups etc... it was still beyond hard at times and quite honestly there wasn't a moment that went by where I didn't think of them.

There was a desperation almost in my heart... and as I laid there in bed one of the nights feeling a little lost I realized this must be how God feels towards His children who have yet to come to Him or who have gone away.  Or the ones who (like me at times) only trust Him with certain things but have yet to let go, or forget to give things to Him.

God created us not because He needed us, but because He wants us.  He wants to shower us with love and show us the greatest relationship we could ever have.  He gets excited to help us and have fellowship with us.  Not one of us does He not want to love on, share with and provide for.  He wants to teach us and show us easier ways to live- through His Son.   So many times we struggle and struggle and feel as though things aren't going our way, but I feel as though Holy Spirit is just swirling going "Let Me in and let Me help you!  You were not created to handle this on your own.  I wanna help you, it would be My pleasure!"

And not for just five minutes, or trial to trial but in every. single. thing.  While following Christ may not always be easy, how it feels sometimes we are swimming against the current, having Holy Spirit in your heart gives you the courage and strength to do it because you know where He is taking you always ends up in the perfect place when you look back.

and Oh, how His arms are always open to those who run to Him.  I did and do crazy things time to time and when I humbled myself enough to know that my ways are not the best way (most times! LOL) He was there to take me up on His lap and say "Lets try it this way.  Watch and see."

Its almost like He whispers it to me like a Father whispers to His child "Wanna go have icecream?"  ... my husband will do this when we are going to go out for a treat to our sons, our three year old especially, and its so quiet, but so blunt and powerful to him and the smile starts and the giggles start and he jumps up and is so ready to go.  That's how I feel when I feel the presence of God ready to start something.  When that light bulb comes on you cant help but giggle.  When you feel that stirring and you cant help but smile and praise Him.  He smiles too in this.  I promise it.

Saturday, July 7, 2012

The label has to point to Him...

This has been stirring in my heart for a few weeks.

I dont know how to let this flow, but I know that when I worship He flows through me.  When I am focused on Jesus, when I call upon His name, when He becomes my focus, things are perfect.  I have come to a point, when I am so very confident I never ever want to be identified as anything else than a child of God.

Its easy for people to become labeled.  I have been labeled as someone with depression, with anxiety.  I have been identified as a "libra", I have been identified as "barefoot gypsy mamma" a "babywearer" a "natural birth extended breastfeeding mom"...

How easy it is for someone to fall into a trap when they are diagnosed with something to feed constantly into the sickness.  When I was told I had PPD years ago, it was beyond easy enough to use that as an excuse to do nothing, and to feel sorry for myself.  To take it easy.  While yes I needed to heal... I also needed to remember that Jesus is my King.  I am a princess of God!  Now that should have put a smile on my face, but some people told me that only my "happy pills" were going to make me smile.  I began to identify myself as a person with an illness and not a conqueror in Christ.

It has been easy for me to be fed into societies opinion on whats important.  For years I figured because I was a "libra" I had to act a certain way so people would know "what my sign was".  Thats why I 'love to shop" ( I HATE SHOPPING!) 

How easy it could be because I am someone who enjoys nature, who loves to knit, felt and run around barefoot to fall into an image and feel guilty if I don't live up to it one day.  *Gasp* , if I don't wear a twirly long tie dye skirt one day would people think I was not truly a crunchy mamma? If I decided to stick my kid in a wagon one day instead of wearing him or her in a wrap, and seen a fellow babywearer... I would feel such frustration that I couldnt express I was a babywearer too.  Woe is me...

Im not saying that any of these things are wrong, these are my interests, and they are placed in my heart from God but I am starting to realize I dont nessesarily want these to be the parts of my life that everyone identifies me with at first glance. 

As a disciple of Christ my actions and words should represent Him THEN my hobbies etc.  Not the other way around. 

I heard a man say a few weeks ago to someone else "don't feed into this" (speaking on an illness).
That really stuck with me.

How much do even Christians feed into that isn't from God.  How much of the world do we attach to ourselves for ourselves?  Im not saying that all Christians need to look a certain way or whatever, Im not talking about modesty or fish net stockings here Im talking about how the world perceives us.  I think I am starting to realize how much more important it is for people to say "oh she loves Jesus."  Even if its in a sarcastic "I cant believe she's like that now" tone than it is for someone to say "oh shes a babywearer, breastfeeding mom, granola type girl."

This can even go as far as doctrine or denomination.  I dont want to even be labled by someone who goes to a specific church denomination or non denomination.  I just. dont. care.  what church you go too as long as you are following Jesus.  When people ask me what type of church do I go to I say "one that preached Jesus Christ."  And thats all there should be to it. 

The label has to point to Him for me.  Im so crazy in love with this God who decided to pour His love out for me, so why would I want to represent anything else more so than Him? 

Friday, June 22, 2012

The Wedding at Cana- Embracing Jesus John 2:1-12


The next day there was a wedding celebration in the village of Cana in Galilee. Jesus’ mother was there,  and Jesus and his disciples were also invited to the celebration.  The wine supply ran out during the festivities, so Jesus’ mother told him, “They have no more wine.”
Dear woman, that’s not our problem,” Jesus replied. My time has not yet come.”
But his mother told the servants, “Do whatever he tells you.”
 Standing nearby were six stone water jars, used for Jewish ceremonial washing. Each could hold twenty to thirty gallons. Jesus told the servants, Fill the jars with water.” When the jars had been filled,  he said, Now dip some out, and take it to the master of ceremonies.” So the servants followed his instructions.
 When the master of ceremonies tasted the water that was now wine, not knowing where it had come from (though, of course, the servants knew), he called the bridegroom over. “A host always serves the best wine first,” he said. “Then, when everyone has had a lot to drink, he brings out the less expensive wine. But you have kept the best until now!”
This miraculous sign at Cana in Galilee was the first time Jesus revealed his glory. And his disciples believed in him.   After the wedding he went to Capernaum for a few days with his mother, his brothers, and his disciples.

I once was told about the ceremonial washing stone water jars that were at this wedding and their importance.  Those jars were not just for watering cattle and rinsing your hands. They had significance.  They had purpose for that wedding.  It doesnt state in scripture all we know is that they were important.  One idea is that they were used for a mikvah bath, which is for the bride to be, to wash and purify herself before she is wed.  These wash basins had significance.  It baffles my mind to think too that this was a very daring and rebellious act towards the religious beliefs around Him.  That people around Him who may had seen, or atleast the servants might have found it, dare I say, bold for Jesus to even sugest they be used for another purpose.  Already trampling on the religious law in a sense, showing where the real law is.

Jesus also tells His mother His time had not yet come.  Does this reflect John 13?  Does this reflect His awareness of His time coming and Him washing His diciples feet?  His bride?  I always looked at it as Jesus' and His mom just having an arguement. "Mooom stop nagging me to do fancy things, its so annoying.  You're embrarassing me". (Could you imagine!)  Im not so sure anymore...

Oh I love how we can look at a scriputre deeply and see things we had never seen before.  I dont think there was ever a time that Jesus said anything that was not significant.  There is not one red letter that cannot speak to the reader.  He speaks importance.  He speaks that He is the importance.

But this much I do know, He wants to cleans us and make us pure.  He wants His church clean.  He is constantly washing and refining us all.  I can pin point times in my walk where I have been cleansed from things.  He has made parts of my life that have been impure and made them pure.  Not on my own effort, but on His effort and stirring inside me to go through a process that has made that part of me okay.  There are lots of areas of my life that He is doing this too now.  Its a journey, a process that He takes part in and wants to help me with.  I can utter a thankyou, but what more can I say?  I just want to know Him better each moment.