Friday, August 24, 2012

When Autumn comes early and confusion turns to joy

My autumn came earlier this year.  Not the season, but autumn for me is a time I thought has always been a time of confusion spiritually.  Its when I yearn to feel God strongest yet always feel a struggle to make things I wanna make work work.  The first evening that the breeze felt cool and I poured tea instead of something cold, I began to feel a pull.  I always come out of the journeys closer to God, but the journeys themselves are something I struggle to embrace because they are hard.  They cause me to question, they cause me to seek hard and press in strong.  I'm glad God presses in hard too.

At three am when struggling to stay awake while feeding the baby, there is the Word calling out.  I have read so many different parts of Gods word in the past few weeks in the weirdest hours of the night than I think I ever have.  While the newest babe of only three weeks nursed contently I was in proverbs, John, Genesis, Job, Luke, Isaiah... I was everywhere.  I downloaded a concordance for my phone.  I find myself learning Hebrew meanings while the sun is peeking out over the horizon and the Son is rising up inside...

Wisdom... that one word... chokmah, sophia, took me on the most massive journey this past 72 hrs...  He gave me one word, it turns into a whirlwind and then a calm.

I went all over the place. The internet can be a very helpful tool or a very huge danger zone for anything.  I opened my eyes and I took Gods hand and I feared and I cried, I giggled, I anticipated, and I just knew God was taking me somewhere.  I've always said "Just trust Him for even a day and see what He does."  Christ is phenominal.  I'd read some things and then get back into Scripture, I'd get into the Hebrew and the Greek, I would pray... oh how I prayed-  Holy Spirit guide me and don't let me go-  I learned... a LOT.  I learned from many perspectives, and while I fear this, I still felt Gods comfort and His gentle guidance.  I discovered, I unraveled, I embraced, I let go.. I sought. I asked many friends questions via text, phone, random moments.  I hit up  Google and Wiki and was in the Bible like I probably should be everyday.

I learned things I dismissed and picked up treasures from Christ that I have treasured now deep inside.  There were nail biting reads, there were sighs of relief, there was history, culture, language, physics, mathematics, colours, spirals, pauses, reflection, love, strength, singing, worship, fear, knowledge...

I regained the wisdom in knowing the one thing I now know I once again needed to understand and grab hold of-

Christ is huge.

And He Himself existed before all things, and in Him all things consist (cohere, are held together)- Colossians 1:17 amplified.

I struggle every year because its this time of year I feel a presence of divinity in nature.  I struggle because I have feared year after year that to feel His presence in the wind or to smell something Holy in the Autumn air is somehow horribly horribly wrong.  That when it rains on an October morning and I feel a cleansing and a peace that I somehow am not following a Christian way.

Tonight I sit here with a tea and a smile and tears of thankfulness because after reading page after page after page I have that release from the Holy Spirit, one peice of Scripture to save my aching head to say that in Him, my Jesus, all things consist and are held together... everything.  Its all about Him and its all through Him.  This is something I knew but didn't...if that makes sense.  When these emotions or feelings rise up and I feel joy, He's telling me I dont have to repress it because He created it all, for us, to enjoy and as creation all gives the glory to Him, so do I.  Praising Him along with it all.

Job 38:5-7
Amplified Bible 
Who determined the measures of the earth, if you know? Or who stretched the measuring line upon it? 
Upon what were the foundations of it fastened, or who laid its cornerstone,  when the morning stars sang together and all the sons of God shouted for joy?

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