Saturday, October 29, 2011

praying while cringing... the tests will come

I have been reading a lot of just the red letters in my Bible.  I have had a hunger to read the written words of what Jesus said while teaching those around Him about what He asks us to do.   He spoke in parables alot, but for the ones I never quite understood, when Holy Spirit reveals to me what Jesus was talking about in that moment, I can never help but smile ear to ear.  Jesus is fascinating, captivating.   I cant help but sing His name allowed first thing in the morning, while folding laundry, doing my dishes.  When I am happy, Im usually singing randomly throughout the day about Jesus. 

The past week we had a LOT of stuff hit the fan.  Got some terrible news this week, my right eye is kinda funky (seeing an eye doctor on Monday no worries!!), God gave me answers I didnt really like... I have had near tantrum meltdowns... and you know what, I had God in all that... His Spirit was there willing to guide me... willing to show me the way He would like me to handle situations to glorify God and ultimatly really are a lot better for myself.  I failed a lot of tests in patience this week, and I didnt go to God for guidance about 80% of the time.  This week sucked

But after all that woe is me stuff I put on myself, I can almost picture Jesus sitting on the couch, as I sit on the floor tears flowing, drama city...just sitting there so calm and relaxed, sympathetic look on His face but at the same time this look of "oh child you look kinda silly."  And when I look to Him, He has open arms, and is there to just love me and comfort me.  He sits there the whole time, open arms just waiting, with answers and help and comfort.  Its afterwards where Im like "oh Lord I could have come to You first and I wouldnt have felt so angry, upset and like the whole world was crushing in all around. "  or better yet, never leaving His side to even consider doing it on my own!  Really imprinting those red letters in my heart. 

Im redeemed, Im God's child.  That enough should make me always smile!  I want to follow Christ and I strive everyday to do what He has called me, but I feel this past week instead of running even quicker- shifting to ask Holy Spirit for guidance in moments of trouble, I ran and hid instead, or took anger and frustration out on my family and friends.  Christ tells us to follow Him.  Simply put.  He is the way!  To just be filled with His love, and to love and to love Him, to follow His teachings, to set myself apart- this anger, and automatic "oh things are messing up! God's gotta plan but I'll panic anyways" attitude I have... oh that is so what it is (lightbulb just came on)!  I KNOW God's ways are so perfect, I have seen it over and over and over.  His answer to my prayers has always been 100% best.  Putting your trust in Jesus Christ is a sweet deal!  But MAN do I ever fall back into old habits a lot still- instant panic, worry, OCD. 

I pray that God will really work with me on this, to (dare I say it) give me more and more lessons that I need in order to go deeper and deeper in my trust and relationship with Him.  I usually try not to pray for the things like paitience and stuff because I fail them alot, but being totally honest, if love is paitience, and God is Love and God is Holy and God calls us to be Holy because He is Holy, then I need to be paitient, and kind and all those fruits of the Spirit.  So I pray for those things I need to work on.  I pray kinda cringing my face a bit, but the prayer does go out.   God will answer!

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