Burning sands and hardened wastelands will become pools, shimmering with life;
the thirsty ground will drink deep from refreshing springs.
Abandoned villages where predators once lurked will become grassy playgrounds.
Dry, arid land will turn lush and green. (Isaiah 35:7 the voice)
Things are sprouting in my heart again.
I feel the springs spilling over me, like a damn about to give way.
Since Christmas I have been in a massive funk. It started to go slow, but got really bad a few weeks into January. So bad I started to roll my eyes at scripture, roll my eyes at God, Christianity, churches, everything. I started seeking elsewhere late nights, searching for that feeling once again that I had, that feeling I had with God that was so close and intimate but seemed to dissapear. I even started a new blog, because I thought my time in Christianity may be over. There is something about Jesus though, He just does not let go that easy. Trying to talk to people about it was good, even though some I spoke to did not quite understand what I was going through, and others got it perfectly. I got really raw, really honest and I think that was good. Being honest and raw is important. So important.
Anxiety was at an all time high and I just felt like there was this awful darkness surrounding me. At first it was like Jesus was not talking to me about anything, but He was still present. Then it was like He vanished. The door was shut and I did not want to talk to God at all. I wanted to run away and not look back.
Everything started to make no sense to me at all, every last detail. Nothing was right anymore. It hurt hard. It hurt bad. I started to try and figure it out and then God says - Be still...wait-
That is impossible for me. Im like OCD ADD and champion at Google and Wiki. I kept trying to figure things out. Again - Be still...wait-
I finally decided to wait. Finally. But not until after a few weeks of plugging my ears to the only words I felt He spoke to me in forever. He was probably like -Good, now I can work!-
No Google, no opinions, no forums, nothing. I did not look for a group to fit into, a theory to come into agreement with. I just waited. And it was brutal. I am still continuing to be still. But God has shown me some things. Huh, fancy that ;)
One night on the way home from knitting with some fantastic ladies I decided all of a sudden that this battle I cannot loose. It was out of the blue, a darn strong determination!!! ROAR! My faith, my peace, my joy I cant let anything or anyone rob that from me. I could be still and wait but be positive and still give praise. My life has a mission on it. I am part of an amazing missions trip everyday. I get up, and raise four children, support an amazing man and take care of a home that is to represent the love of God. Light pushes back darkness and if I pushed light into this awful darkness I was experiencing then things would be more bright.
A few days after that I woke up singing a song about being surrounded. He is all around me. I do not know why I started to sing this song. But it gave me hope. The thought of being surrounded by God made me smile. Light cracking through dark holes...
Continuing to be still...
Thursday night a man spoke a word over my husband and I about God being pleased with us and that we had grown a lot. By just being still... by pushing through with joy and love still... by trusting.
This took a lot of tension off me. I felt like I was just stumbling through. The thing is I am starting to realize the more and more we allow God to work in every area, the more it feels less like stumbling. There are rocky, wooded, scary areas of our life that still emerge, but we have His support and endless love and power to help us through. Press in HARD because when we do we can see how hard He presses into our lives and plows through these things we see as awful and impossible.
All of a sudden things were just as before the darkness, almost. There are some things I am still very much struggling with, but words are coming to life to me again, I am starting to understand things again. On top of this I am able to make more sense of all the things I was discovering before I was still. Things are starting to become much more clear. I can dance again, I can sing again, I can see goodness in things.
Draw near to God and He will draw near to you. (James 4:8)
Oh how true this is!!!
And the thing that totally blew my mind is that I drew close to God just by being STILL and WAITING for Him. I did not have to go crazy jumping through hoops. I simply waited. It was SO easy once I got it and obeyed what He was asking me to do.
I am enjoying it very much. To be still in His presence, just waiting for those few words He speaks. They are very few, but the power behind them is massive and give such fullness to my heart.
Push through the darkness. Push through the bad days with praise on your lips. I can now fully now like never before promise you it is so very worth it!