I know that its a battle to just keep sanity for myself. I have been called to be a Mother and a wife. I have been called to enjoy each moment with my children, even if its a melt down at 9pm during worship at our Church service on a Thursday night. Its a struggle though I must admit. My impluse is to get right frustrated that my kids are clearly interfeering with my joy. But there IS joy in this too. I get to take care of these little balls of energy and love them regardless of their attitudes. (please remind me of this the next time my two year old throws a tantrum)This song was being sung, worship was amazing and I stood just in my secret place with Christ. This whole service was so worship focused. I so very much needed this. My daughter taps me on the shoulder and tells me her youngest brother is beyond angry in the kids room. He was beyond inconsolable, beyond tired, just Hulk in two year old form. I tried to make him happy, took him into the other room in the dark. "The righteous son, he is Yahweh.... Yahweh, Yahweh" I could here the whole Church worshiping the Great I Am. I thought I could be very angry with my son for interupting this moment of such joy in God. But I knew God called me for this moment in the dark with this screaming Zayden of mine. I sang quietly (which he dislikes) the name of our God. He was just so not having any happiness. He was home focused and I knew I had to take these children home. I dressed him and headed back out into the Sanctuary and sat him down amongst the church standing in worship of the King of Kings to dress my other two children.
For a brief moment he stopped crying, almost feeling the Lord moving in amongst His people. But it was short lived and the tears started. I rushed to put on hats mittens and scarfs, I still think we mangaged to leave a mitten or two behind in amongst the tears.
I think it was our Pastor who said in that moment to the Chruch that God moves in times like this and inside my head I heard myself say "so does the enemy" and I knew I had a choice to just be frustrated and angry with my children or to just love on them and get them home.
The trip home was just as sad and noisy as it was inside. He screamed in frustration the whole way home in the wagon. In the door I sent the two oldest to one room to read while I put this wee tired lamb into bed, boots still on, he was out in two minutes, resting between his Mom and Dad. Still that song echoed in my head.
God was still with me and I could still worship.
I came downstairs and I had a choice, I could veg and watch tv, forget the chaos or continue to worship my God. I cried I must admit for a good ten minutes, the utter exhaustion, trying so hard not to just let my frustration spill out onto my children. The past three or so weeks, I have felt this depression I battled a few years ago try to creep back into my life. I am determined that my God can defeat it in me, and while its hard, I refuse to let it get to the point where I feel nothing. I still want to feel Chirst. Him in my life is something I couldnt imagine not having. I prayed, and thanked Him for keeping me at a point this Thursday night that I wouldnt have handled as well on my own. I read the Bible till I felt every uneasy feeling that crept in time to time cease.
His grace, His peace and joy, His comfort- it can rain down on us in every moment. I think this past Thursday night was another reminder for me of this. I have to stop looking at Jesus as a religion with doing things just this way or that way for worship, for praise, for prayer. He is to be approached as a friend, a relationship with the One and Only who can help us in every. single. thing. We must praise Him in everything because then the enemy will flee, because the second we dont give God praise, we are giving the enemy a free pass to move.