Monday, September 12, 2011

what the heck just happened to me?

Sunday morning we had a really rejuvinating encouraging message, but I left feeling really sad.  Im not sure if it was something that was said, or something I felt during worship, but I felt so numb almost if that is the right word.  I came home and I kinda sat there in a trance, trying to peice together what the heck just happened to me.   Like bummed out!
My husband and I had an arguement the night before that we didnt settle, I thought maybe God was trying to speak to me about that.  God has been talking to me over and over and oooover again about being the wife and mother he has called me to be. We talked about vision in our lives on Sunday... maybe Im not following it full on like I should.  But was that what it was that God placed on my heart?  I still have no idea.  I am dumbfounded...sorta

I have been very much also feeling frustrated with things I allow into my life that are doing me no good in my walk with Christ.  I love my God.... I love my Jesus.. well same thing- Jesus is God.  I KNOW this...   But if anyone ever tries to dispute it with me its almost like I want to fold.  Its almost like I just want to agree with them because it would make things easier.  I look into things too deep.  I look to people sometimes that I know are not God's children and think they are speaking truth.  I get obsessive in my thoughts and I get frustrated because I know that Christ died for me.  I know it, I feel it.  The relationship we have is amazing.   I cant even explain it to them because they have no clue how amazing having Him in my life is because they have never experienced it.  So I just sit frustrated, speaking to God asking Him to just strengthen me.  But over and over for the same stuff?  He must think Im nuts!

I read something the other night, totally random and I dont even know how I ended up coming across it.  A very sketchy webpage and I was reading something that just I knew was false, like not just false, but even to an athiest would make no sense you know what I mean? But then it ate at me all day, for a week now, even though I know its literally garbage, it just saddens me that these people dont have Jesus as their King.  It breaks me.  Its not fair to them.  

I've lost great friends because of Jesus.  But He ultimatley has to come first.  The other night, I think it was Friday or Saturday night I was feeling really not very Christian if thats a way to put it.  I felt very weak in my faith.  "Im not up to another dry time in my faith.  Whens the autumn going to be a time or rejuvination for me instead of sadness Lord.  Its my favorite time of the year, but my hardest."

This is a time of year I swear sometimes the enemy drops me off a little parcel of his crap and says "here, take a peek and just be tormented all season..have a nice day." 

Its not like Im bombarded with things, but its those one or two things that always get me and eat at me.  Its a battle.  Its one I dont speak tons about in person, but its one that my close friends know about and have heard about.  But I dont parade it around with a pity party.  But I choose to blog about it because I know others going through spiritual times that are weak.  I know God is going to bring me out of it, and I will be stronger through it.  Would I rather not go through it, ofcourse.  But His purpose for my life is so much better than what I think!  It happens like clock work everytime.  I think He's trying to teach me something.  I dont know if I have passed yet though! LOL

On Sunday morning our Pastor asked us to turn to 2 Timothy 1:9 and I thought I was there, but I was actually in 2 Thessalonians 1:9 .  My husband pointed out to me that I wasnt in the right book of the Bible, I already had it circled and everything and I got kinda mad at myself because I wasnt focusing. 

2 Timothy 1:9 says "(God) who has saved us and called us with a holy calling, not according to our works, but according to His own purpose and grace which was given to us in Christ Jesus before time began"   
God has given me a holy calling, according to His purpose and grace, BEFORE time.  His purpose is perfect, it is ...well I dont think you can get better than perfect..and yet my mind wants to debate that!??!?!

When I opened my Bible later on I read in 2 Thessalonians 1:9 where I was by mistake

"They will be punished with everlasting destruction and shut out from the presence of the Lord and from the majesty of His power."  (unbelievers)

I think sometimes when God wants to get our attention He'll do it in very clever ways.  Like these two passages are like total opposites.  Do I want a holy calling or everlasting destruction in my life?  Am I going to allow things and people who are totally against me in my walk in Christ to tear me down or am I going to send them on there way without worrying about offending?  I know what route makes the most sense, and it will be the one I take.  I dont see myself ever walking away from God, but I still get tempted and I dont know if its just my personality or what but man, its like a nagging annoyance.  I cling to Christ and He holds me tight, but I think I have a long way to go in my walk in Him. 

Im curious to where He takes me... but I ultimatly have to keep following Him to see

1 comment:

  1. Just remember, the path to righteousness is not the easiest path. But keeping your eye on the LORD will always take you the right way. xoxo