God wont delay long to answer our questions... (response to Fridays post)

So I wrote terrified the other night, freaked out because I decided basically to not follow God, to not follow His Spirit listen and refusing to wait.

Those who wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength... I have heard that before, and its so true.

When God wants to tell me something I feel Him.  It has gotten to the point where my body actually shakes, not like I convulse, but its almost like a sharp chill.  Its actually embarrasing and I try to hide it HA! 

But the past week I didnt feel God getting excited within me, about the things I was reading, or the things I was thinking about. 

The things I was reading, the opinions and discussions I was reading were not of my Jesus.  And when His Spirit didnt get excited I should have gotten the hint.  Run... away... now.

So Saturday morning I woke up after a very interupted inconsistant sleep.  I should have gotten up and read my Bible because clearly God wanted to speak to me.  He wanted to tell me that all these things I had been worrying about, all these "contradictions" or whatever, He wanted to show me.  But I laid there and just tossed and turned like "my kids will be up in an hour, I need to try and sleep."

When I woke up, what I thought would me just me getting "to the bottom of things MUA HAHAHA" (evil laughter insterted), it was basically God sitting across from me on the couch smiling so gently, probably even chuckling... "This Candace, my Candace, who always brags about how its all about relationship is trying to religous-ify this word of mine... " 

I started writing all these notes, wasnt feeling it, but was just kinda going with where I thought I should go.  Then I got bored...

Then I started playing around on my Kobo (facebook, cut the rope and some random webpages anyone?) ... and I came across a book.  And that book talked about Colossians... and I felt Gods Spirit shake.  I spent an hour listening to something I had heard over and over and over again yet because I decided to tune God out, I didnt catch...

¹⁵ The Son is the image of the invisible God, the firstborn over all creation. ¹⁶ For in him all things were created: things in heaven and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or powers or rulers or authorities; all things have been created through him and for him. ¹⁷ He is before all things, and in him all things hold together. ¹⁸ And he is the head of the body, the church; he is the beginning and the firstborn from among the dead, so that in everything he might have the supremacy. ¹⁹ For God was pleased to have all his fullness dwell in him, ²⁰ and through him to reconcile to himself all things, whether things on earth or things in heaven, by making peace through his blood, shed on the cross. (NIV)

Every single thing through that big ol' book points to Jesus! MY JESUS!  YOUR JESUS! OUR JESUS!

Instead of me trying to make sense of how God worked in the old testament first, I need to look to Christ to THEN understand why things happened the way they happened in the Old. 
And its beautiful.  I am so in awe of God.  I had to run to a girlfriends Saturday afternoon just to get it all out! LOL.
It isnt about anything other than a God trying to get back His people, to show them His undying love and take care of them.  To have that Eden. Oh that Eden I have been so craving its here, He is inside His children! And this is all stuff I KNOW but disregarded even if it was for a brief scary (oh my so terrifying) moment.  God planted a garden in Eden.  He took care of His children there... and what God showed me on Saturday was how when Jesus was ressurected and Mary Magdalene came to His tomb, she mistook Him for a gardener... the garden was back.  Christ ressurected gave us that garden!!  Oh my Jesus how I adore you and what a amazing humbling thing it is to re-realize that from the beginning it always pointed to Jesus.  This beautiful Jesus.  How He never lets us go, even when we stumble sometimes.  He always has His hand out!  Praise be to God!  He is so good! 

God..why wont you let me let this stuff go?

Sometimes I think people who are able to just forever hold on to a set of beliefs of how things are supposed to be understood have it really made.

Tonight as I write this blog post I think that way. For three or so years now I have been seeking Jesus hard. For five years before that I did as well, I attended Bible studies and I attended Church every Sunday I could. These past three years I have as well. Its not that I am hearing a different story, Im not hearing a contradicting belief or anything like that. Perhaps the approach is a tad different, but something has happened in these past few years, what exactically I am not sure, but I have a gazillion questions that I dont feel anyone can fully answer but Jesus.

Jesus I just only want YOU

I have gotten to the point where I humble myself as a follower of Jesus and say "I truly honestly dont know everything about the Bible, about God, about alot that is discussed."

But I know my Jesus.

And it scares me when I start to think the Bible itself contradicts itself, when His followers turned it into a religion so fast (which I believe Jesus came to abolish but thats a whole other topic), I cannot.... I cannot loose my Jesus.  Even if everything else I was thinking was whatever I start too...

I know Jesus answers prayer, I know Jesus heals.  I know God provides.  I know He is the Great I Am and I know there is power in His name.  The most awesome power.  How do I know?  I am a walking testimony, my family is a walking testamony of what Christ can do. 
Im so so so friggen tired of crying everynight because Im scared.  I am so f'ing scared.  All I can do is pray that Jesus doesnt let go of me.  I am clinging to His feet because His teachings were beautiful and His teachings can change the world if we got past all the politics and hatred that has someone stupidly come along with it.

Jesus dont let go of me.  Candace dont let go of Jesus.

Just pray for me.  That He will answer my questions this year.  Im a big hormonal pregnant ball of mess that seems to get it for about a week, and then looses it for a day or so. 

He DOES want to show me something.  What it is, I have no flippen clue.  But ask and you shall recieve right.

I wait at the recieving end.  Come Lord Jesus.

To focus only on love

"A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another, even as I have loved you, that you also love one another. By this all men will know that you are My disciples, if you have love for one another." ( John 13:34-35)

I have been doing a lot of reading...  for me sometimes reading can be good..other times it can not.  Too often I think I tend to focus on the opinions of what something means instead of going to the source itself (Hello God, its me Candace).  Too often I think I personally can get fixated on one's opinion and it could perhaps become mine...then a week or two later God shows me what He wanted to show me.  Sometimes it confirms what I have been thinking, other times, it makes my heart sink and humbles me because I realize that I didnt listen for Him in the first place.

I have been reading a lot of varried opinions on the history of the church.... that yucky history.  I mean I know the church has done a lot of amazing things, but come on, lets face it, theres been a lot and still is a lot of yucky stuff that Jesus is probably frowning upon.  Im not writing this towards any one person, or any one body of believers.  Please no one try to get offended at what I write. I believe there is always good, but when put into one persons opinion (or media or what have you), it can be masked with hate.  This is all part of my journey.  This is stuff I have decided to learn about due to various thoughts or whatever, and God is taking me through it wonderfully as He always does :)
Jesus' name has been used a LOT in the wrong context. 

I read about history where millions were murdered helplessly "in the name of the Lord."  How people can judge people "in the name of the Lord."  ...the list goes on and on like that. 

There have been a lot of things in "Christianity" that Jesus stood firmly AGAINST isnt there?

I think this leaves me a few choices. 

1.  I say "forget this religious nonsense.  I dont need God.  The people who follow God cant even get it right, lets take our own journey and leave it at that."

2.  Become ignorant to it.  Forget those things ever happened, pretend us Christians have always done everything right and never wronged anyone..like..ever.  (then I would be lying to myself)

3.  Get upclose and personal with Jesus.  Get up close and personal with Love.  To start walking like Jesus did. 

Jesus was preeching love left and right.  Im not talking about anyone else but Jesus here.  Im not talking about any other Biblical character but Christ.  Want to know what Christianity is supposed to look like- its a four letter word. L-O-V-E.  Jesus didnt hate on those who were hated on.  He didnt like everything,  He got frustrated a few times with people, maily the people who were being hipocrites and not doing what they looked like they were doing, but to those others He always moved with compassion.  He always moved in love.   He is the perfect example. 

I can follow religious history, and get angry, frustrated.  "oh where or where did we go wrong?" ... or I can follow Jesus' example of Love.  I can protest, fight, scream, yell and do all these things that Jesus has been saying not to do, or I can seek Him and follow His example and love.   I can fly off the handle (which I used to do, a lot. and sometimes still do. oh boy... one day at a time with Gods grace.)  or I can count to three, take a deep breath and as cheesy as it sounds, I can ask myself.  What would Jesus do? 

He moved with such love that He gave His life!  He gave His life for so reasons we all know, but He also gave His life so we would never ever forget that Love and that we could have that love inside us. 

I can more than easily continue along a path of frustration of all the things wrong in history, whats to come, society today, and I can act upon those things in a non loving way,  or I can use that love I have inside, and begin to use it.  Showing love to all people, praying for all people and helping where I can. 

This afternoon two wonderful friends of mine showed me Jesus, as they came and helped me rid myself of about twenty (yes twenty) garbage bags full of clothes. We have way to much clothes and laundry is not my friend.  And for me, when in six or so months this baby is born and I want to cloth diaper...lets just say I want our laundry under control!  It defeats me everytime and I cry to God to save me from my laundry.  So He sends love to my home, in the form of two of my sisters in Christ to leave their families for a few hours to help me defeat this enemy.  We got a lot accomplished.  Much more than me having a panic attack on my basement floor LOL. 

I sat just so overwhelmed and humbled and in awe of just how wonderful God is and what His love does. 

This is what I plan on focusing on.  This love.  When I read something even negative about us... I want to respond in love.  Not even to get frustrated and say "these people are giving us a bad name."  But to pray, ask God for guidance and show those I can, love.  Because thats what Christ did.  And He is who I want to know and follow and dwell with forever.