Monday, May 30, 2011


My son has nursed for 28 months, and now since Saturday I have said no more.  This wasnt a mutual decision like I hoped it would be, but one that I decided on because for the past few months I really havent enjoyed breastfeeding.  It has brought me aggitation, stress and almost resentment towards my son. 
I have been paitient with it all, praying that God would give me the ability to keep going, but the past few weeks all I could think was "Im done. Im done. D-O-N-E ....done. " 
So now I sit here, completley engorged, sore, emotional, hot (its really hot here today).  My son battled me all night (which is weird because he hasnt nursed at night in weeks), I have slept not even an hour last night.  I woke up at 6am to have a hot shower, then came down and fed my four year old some breakfast, then went upstairs weeping to my husband that I just needed sleep.  He got up with our children and cleaned the house and even took them to the park while I rested till almost lunchtime.  I cannot express how greatful I am for that.  The thought of cleaning, moving, even walking right now brings pain to my chest LOL. 
My son had been eating terrific which is not very often he has been doing that, but I guess with no breastmilk he has no choice.  I did express some and put it in a sippy for him yesterday, in response he got angry, I dont think he liked that idea.  I tell him that they are "broken" so he looks at them and goes "awwww" in a sympathetic voice. 

So I have been praying, praying that I would just dry up, that the milk would go away!  I thank God that I was able to nurse this long, and that I have had a very generous supply even still. 
I have been praying for my hormones to not go so crazy.  They have been wonkey since I stopped, its considered normal... but with my history of depression it does frighten me.

"My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness" says the Lord in 2 Cor 12:9
Ahhh God, Your grace is my fuel, the fact You are here with me through all this. I find such comfort in that.  I am so greatful I am not alone even at 4am when all I want to do is scream!

the New Living Translation of Hebrews 4:16 says
"So let us come boldly to the throne of our gracious God. There we will receive his mercy, and we will find grace to help us when we need it most."

I never thought I would come boldly to the throne of God with something like THIS, but I have such comfort knowing that I can and that He WILL help me in this. 

There is a guilt that is inside my heart that I have been praying to be released from.  The fact that I have stopped nursing him before he has wanted to makes me feel like I am hurting him somehow.  I know that nursing for 28 months (and four years all together because I never really had much time off in between my boys), is GOOD. AWESOME. GREAT!  But ofcourse there is that nagging evil inside me saying "you have failed your son, feel sorry for yourself, your poor poor boy". 

But Jesus tells me "Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you." John 14:27

He "comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God." 2 Corinthians 1:4  I have recieved amazing comfort from those who have gone through it and I know from this I will be able to help others. 

I need to press forward, we both do.  He understands he can survive without nursing, he has discovered that solid food is fantastic, and I know we will both live LOL.  All I can do through this is try to remain paitient, show nothing but love for the whole situation and remain in Christ as well. 

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