where my "annoyances" come from

The past few weeks I have really started to process my roll as a wife and a mother to my children and started to try and renew my focus in these areas. I never gave up on this roll in the past 8 years but sometimes I think my focus shifts from everyone else to myself quick and I think with the birth of our fourth two months ago it really once again put my roll back into perspective.  I really feel God has called me and placed this desire in my heart to do.
I am not a perfect mother or a perfect wife.  But God has reminded me daily that while He doesn't call me to be a perfect Mom or wife, He has placed this calling on my life and will walk me through each step of the way.
I begin putting purpose in each step of my day.  Waking up before the kids to have time with the Lord, even if right now that looks like using my Bible on my phone, light dimmed while I nurse our baby, because at six am our five year old is up and ready to go.  It reminds me of Mark 1:35-37 "While it was still night, way before dawn, He (Jesus) got up and went out to a secluded spot and prayed.  Simon and those with Him went looking for Him.  They found Him and said "everybody is looking for you."
That's TOTALLY how my mornings go.  They peek in my room and find me and for the next 13 hours I try to be theirs and my husbands.
I find there is an annoyance though, but it is one that I have conjured up myself.  I annoy myself.  How many times do I tell my husband I want to be the one who takes care of the things of the house, so he can rest when he is not out working to provide the money for our home.  I tell him that's his job, and this is my job.  But when I begin to feel tired and worn out, or I wake up on the wrong side of the bed or don't want to do my job do I feel restless, impatient and downright nasty.  I begin to have arguments in my head with my husband of how he doesn't "do anything" around the house (which is a bold faced lie because he does, just not at that moment when I'm having this argument with him mentally).  The dishes begin to get really loud as I put them away in the kitchen and the garbage is FLUNG into the can outside.  The laundry which hasn't been magically folded because someone hasn't done it for me even though I haven't even hinted at asking begins to laugh at me all piled and wrinkled.   I begin to resent him when he is checking updates on twitter or on the news because "he is just doing that way to much today" (even though I did it the day before constantly and that day as well.).  When the convictions I feel about myself I feel he should automatically have too ;)
My kids have bad days.  My daughter is 8 going on 18... its a battle some days in this house and I am supposed to show them Christ and also discipline without myself going postal.
It takes a lot of patience not to yell and scream on days where we are all over tired or over selfish.
It takes a lot of patience not to yell and scream on the days where I have my stuff together but no one else does.
It takes a lot of patience not to yell and scream on the days where they all have it together but I don't.
But God is there in the midst and it takes a lot of grace to get through a day and He is more than willing to provide it when I humble myself and admit "Hey, no one in this house is perfect" and ask Him to lead the way.  We have a sign above our kitchen counter that reads "Jesus reigns in this place".
I wake up and as I'm preparing lunches and breakfast and nursing a baby in a sling, I see this and I have to remember that its not anyone else but Him that can really run this place at a pace and a rhythm that will work for all of us.  That when I have to remember to align myself with His purpose for me, He literally helps.  Some people don't get it but I guess unless you have literally experienced His presence..that knowing His Spirit is guiding you, I guess its hard to understand.
I have had to lay myself down and pick up the fruits of His Spirit.
I do get rest.  He does give me rest.  I don't have to demand it.  There are days I want to sit down and all day play on Facebook and to be honest there have been two of those days this week.  I don't want to come off sounding like a hypocrite.  Its in those days I am most on edge.  As if there are dishes again, as if there is a potty to be emptied.  I have demanded time for myself that hasn't in a sense been given to me for myself.   Everyday there are moments of rest that unselfishly present them self from God, and I give thanks to God for them.   Those moments are not always after the kids go to bed, but generally speaking they are.  It is in the days where everything has gotten done because we have worked on the Lords timetable and not our own and its on those days I have said "it is well" at the end.

When we are not out of the woods yet...

There is a saying that popped up on a feed today on social media about an event in ones life that is so hard and rough and dark that all they could mutter was that they needed more prayers because "we're not out of the woods yet."

How dark and scary this place can be, when all seems to fall apart.  Where it seems the path that started turns into potholes and weeds so thick you can not longer find your footing.

How the tree roots seem to be almost rotting and you don't know how you can stay grounded and all you can do is literally push through the day at full force to exhaust yourself or give into the darkness and fall down a rabbit hole and succumb to all that's eating you alive.

But in order for us to know there is such a think as darkness we need to remember there is also such a thing as light.  Light can be beautiful.  There is always always light if there is darkness.  You cannot have understanding of one if you don't have anything to compare it too.

I write this while I'm in a time where I am embracing Light, and when I say that I mean Christ.  When I am on such a high of His light and His love that its hard to try and write about darkness and what it feels like when all I can feel is Light.  Where my footing feels lighter and more deliberate if that makes sense.  Like walking on a cloud.  But I have been in that forest of darkness and as time passes we go through cycles of it again and again.

There is light in that darkness.  High above those twisted canopies, hiding in nooks and crannies where the light has penetrated through the trunks that grow tall.  Where that woods can feel like a prison, but I think of how those prison windows even show a shadow of the bars along the floor from light.

There is light.  In times where we want to so desperately feel its warmth sometimes we have to start digging or running or chasing.  To not give up and fight for it because it can be robbed from us so quick.

His light is ever present in times of trouble.  He never leaves or forsakes us.  The light of Christ radiates from within us... and its the most easily accessible but most often forgotten.
Be still and know that He is there.
Be still and know that the woods have an exit
Be still and know that He is God and He loves you.
Shine your light and let the whole world see....

Multitudes of Gifts 460-491

The atmosphere turns to misty breaths and sweaters are unfolded onto wee children as the sunrises and breakfast is created in a warm kitchen.  Warm coffee pours into deep mugs and sweetened with sugar and a laugh.  Autumn comes calling and children stuff backpacks with new shoes and lunches.  Each moment is a gift.  Some seen obvious and some you have to peel through some curiosity first.  My multitude of gifts continues a few days late but never the less is present each day

460- back to school for two children
461- new bus service
462- children trying to see their breath out in the cool of the morning
463- fog so thick around tree trunks
464- crochet completed, fall hats created
465- 8th birthdays celebrated
466- Gods reminder of trust in finances
467- six weeks old at 9 lbs 9 oz
468- warmer baby wraps pulled from closets
467- baby booties knitted and worn
468- handmedown powerwheels, a three year old smiles
469- making first ever pumpkin cinnamon rolls.
470- cream cheese icing 
471- pumpkin spice lattes...
472- ...everything pumpkin
473- cloth diapers so flouresent they make her legs glow LOL
474- a visit with my brother and sister in law.
475-  Western Fair.
476- roller coasters
477- cotton candy
478- coffee houses

479- late night prayer
480- praying for a baby far away.  heart breaking, hope rising, God working
481- rainbows over fun
482- final midwife appts, bittersweet and had to hold back tears as I boarded the bus home after saying goodbye
483- scented erasers- fascinated children
484- sunlight beaming through lace curtains.  Joy dancing through rays
485- "my pork chops not working"- Zayden
486- "I cant make water"- Zayden
488- long jeans skirts
489- Kisses from children
490- husbands hard work
491- a three year olds determination... while frustrating you gotta admit..could prove useful someday ;) 

Photoshopping Jesus

Today my husband showed me a picture on the computer of something that was outstanding, but most likely "Photoshopped".  I cant see in any way shape or form how it could be real.

A few moments before that I had read in 1 John 2:27... and I wondered that during my journey if I have tried to "Photoshop Jesus"...

A few days ago I wrote here how I could not fully explain how I work this life with Jesus out.  How I cant say I conform or fit in with a perfect set of whatever's.   How we need to seek Him and if we didn't know how that we should pray.  He will teach us.  How I found beauty in a lot of the different ways denominations of various kinds seek Christ and create that relationship with Him.

Lately I have shared what seems to be a yearly occurrance about my yearly Autumn struggle to understand God.  How during this time of seeking all over the place, some places good some bad. Some over and over again. Christ always draws me in close to Him and I regain my center.

1 John 2:27 says in the Message version in which I read it in
 I've written to warn you about those who are trying to deceive you. But they're no match for what is embedded deeply within you—Christ's anointing, no less! You don't need any of their so-called teaching. Christ's anointing teaches you the truth on everything you need to know about yourself and him, uncontaminated by a single lie. Live deeply in what you were taught.
Who was John talking about?  Who are these decievers?  It's a big scary word and its the anti-Christ.  I used to always put this word in line with Revelations but it is so much more than that.  

When you back up in 1 John, chapter 2 verses 18-23 (NASB) says
Children, it is the last hour; and just as you heard that antichrist is coming, even now many antichrists have appeared; from this we know that it is the last hour.  They went out from us, but they were not really of us; for if they had been of us, they would have remained with us; but they went out, so that it would be shown that they all are not of us.  But you have an anointing from the Holy One, and you all know. I have not written to you because you do not know the truth, but because you do know it, and because no lie is of the truth. Who is the liar but the one who denies that Jesus is the Christ? This is the antichrist, the one who denies the Father and the Son. Whoever denies the Son does not have the Father; the one who confesses the Son has the Father also. 

I am so much more and more and much more convinced over these past few weeks and months and years of seeking Christ, learning all avenues and crevases of human creativity that what it absolutely has to come down to is the truth of Christ.  As I searched and venture I have always come across things that I would absolutely love and adore to place into how I want to carry out my journey with the Lord, but those things ultimately say something to me that the Holy Spirit tells me to run far from.  There are other things that do align themselves with Christ and I embrace.  How important it is for me to remember as one who have a relationship with Christ is that He has given me His Spirit to guide me, and its so important that I spend time understanding what His voice sounds like and to really listen to Him, and to teach my children the same.  I don't ever want to Photoshop Jesus, to edit Him or parts of Him out so that He better suits something that I know doesn't fit.  How can His light fully shine to me and through me if I were to do this?  What parts of what He wants to share with me would I miss out on if I did this?  His truth wont change if I change it.  He is who He says He is, was and will forever be.  

I sit here today just reaffirming to myself in blog form that Holy Spirit needs to be acknowledged and listened too with a very open ear.  Christ's message of love and hope must be forever clung too and being His hands and feet are essential in walking with Him.    

He is embracing His walk with you.

“Do not say that it is impossible to receive the Spirit of God. Do not say that it is possible to be made whole without Him. Do not say that one can possess Him without knowing it. Do not say that God does not manifest Himself to man. Do not say that men cannot perceive the divine light, or that it is impossible in this age! Never is it found to be impossible, my friends. On the contrary, it is entirely possible when one desires it” (Hymn 27, 125-132)

- St. Symeon

I have searched for God while He has guided me.  I trust Him to show me when things are right and when things are wrong.  I have felt awakened by God but it doesn't mean I don't go through times of not so much doubt, but desiring and craving more.  Where what I have is not enough.  Christ is enough, but to desire Him more closely.  If Jesus was a drug I most certainly am addicted.  I have opened my mind to others opinions on Him.  I have read every red letter in my Bible, I have read countless of peoples desire to be closer to Him.  I have read the gnostic writings (although I didn't agree with a lot of them but still gained an understanding on what they believe and could probably carry a conversation with one who believes this way now).  I have tried to gain and understanding of Him through the eyes of so many.  In the end it is Him that satisfies my soul.  He pours out His love and I can say it is well.  He always just brings me to Himself.  All the knowledge in the world, will never amount to knowing Him personally.

When I have a question about God,  I seek Him more.  I seek Him in the strangest of places.  He is always waiting for me there.

I couldn't write out my theory of how to approach God, or what my firm beliefs on how to interpret the Bible are.  I desire to understand Hebrew and Greek.  Its on my bucket list.  I am fascinated with the studies of original writings.  I find the language to be beautiful and I respect it highly.   I cannot identify myself in a certain denomination or non denomination of Christians.  I see beauty in all of the churches.   I find absolute beauty in the tradition of the Catholic church, the knowledge and understanding of Scripture from the Baptists I have been in fellowship with.  I find such awe of the love for Christ that the Christian Mystics have,  I have a deep understanding towards the gatherings of Christians who meet in their homes, in their backyards, in their gardens.   Holy Spirit guiding in many forms to bring us closer to Jesus Christ our God.

I keep most of my study time with God to myself.  I am afraid to share a lot of the times what I search and discover, what I find truth in.  I don't think anything that I find to go against Christian beliefs, but I guess my fear of man still hasn't fully vacated this vessel.   All I know that the more I peel apart and the more I seek the more I love God.  I sometimes share the end result, but the way I come to the end result during these times of picking apart the entire universe I think I sometimes hide.  I have shared before, and been put down because how I interpreted a moment in my walk with Christ was not how someone has interpreted or known as okay... does this make sense?  Has anyone else had this happen?  I have been terrified to experience God in certain ways because I have been afraid of what people think...

But I question that tonight because if how we have discovered or how Christ has shared something with us is hidden, someone else who is seeking Christ the same way might be afraid to share as well.   

Where am I going with this...  I honestly am not really sure, this is probably going to be a lot of rambling.  Just my heart tonight. .. had a bad day and in the end realized going to God with it at probably around five would have been a lot better than at 9... when I pour out my heart finally to Him and He pours His love out on me... after a few hours of complaining to the entire atmosphere that life totally has sucked today...

Seeking Christ. ... I wanna scream dont let any man or woman tell you you are doing it wrong. Ofcourse there are teachers and pastors and leaders who can help guide you but always remember Jesus said HE is the way... so seek Him.  Seek the Kingdom of God... seek His opinion.  Call upon His Spirit.  Holy Spirit will guide you through a whirlwind of awesomeness.  Don`t let people take your testimony of what He shows you.  Get into the Bible, get Him to open it up to you to more than just a old book with stories in it.  Before the Bible was so boring to me, now words jump off the pages.  Dont expect your friends who aren`t following God to understand either.  They are going to think you are nuts.  Let them, and pray that God will open their eyes too.  And Thank God everyday for what He shows you.  When a scripture pops up and says just what you needed to hear thank and praise Him.  When you feel His presence while listening to a song, thank Him.  When (this ones for me) you feel the most amazing breeze hit your face just right and you just feel such a peace thank Him.  When someone speaks words of life to you, and prays with you, and shares their testimony with you, thank Him.

Embrace your walk with Him because He is embracing His walk with you.

He is loving when you have your ``ah ha`moments about Him.  He probably laughs right along with you and says `I KNEW she`d love that!` He loves when we come to Him with our stuff.  He loves to love on you.

God longs to just love on you and teach you things and show you things and make you smile.  He does take us through the valleys but remember during those times He is still there and He still encourages and loves on us (even when you wanna pull your hair out.)

And if you don`t know how.. pray... that is the `how` I think.  Call out to Christ.  Seek and you shall find... 

When Autumn comes early and confusion turns to joy

My autumn came earlier this year.  Not the season, but autumn for me is a time I thought has always been a time of confusion spiritually.  Its when I yearn to feel God strongest yet always feel a struggle to make things I wanna make work work.  The first evening that the breeze felt cool and I poured tea instead of something cold, I began to feel a pull.  I always come out of the journeys closer to God, but the journeys themselves are something I struggle to embrace because they are hard.  They cause me to question, they cause me to seek hard and press in strong.  I'm glad God presses in hard too.

At three am when struggling to stay awake while feeding the baby, there is the Word calling out.  I have read so many different parts of Gods word in the past few weeks in the weirdest hours of the night than I think I ever have.  While the newest babe of only three weeks nursed contently I was in proverbs, John, Genesis, Job, Luke, Isaiah... I was everywhere.  I downloaded a concordance for my phone.  I find myself learning Hebrew meanings while the sun is peeking out over the horizon and the Son is rising up inside...

Wisdom... that one word... chokmah, sophia, took me on the most massive journey this past 72 hrs...  He gave me one word, it turns into a whirlwind and then a calm.

I went all over the place. The internet can be a very helpful tool or a very huge danger zone for anything.  I opened my eyes and I took Gods hand and I feared and I cried, I giggled, I anticipated, and I just knew God was taking me somewhere.  I've always said "Just trust Him for even a day and see what He does."  Christ is phenominal.  I'd read some things and then get back into Scripture, I'd get into the Hebrew and the Greek, I would pray... oh how I prayed-  Holy Spirit guide me and don't let me go-  I learned... a LOT.  I learned from many perspectives, and while I fear this, I still felt Gods comfort and His gentle guidance.  I discovered, I unraveled, I embraced, I let go.. I sought. I asked many friends questions via text, phone, random moments.  I hit up  Google and Wiki and was in the Bible like I probably should be everyday.

I learned things I dismissed and picked up treasures from Christ that I have treasured now deep inside.  There were nail biting reads, there were sighs of relief, there was history, culture, language, physics, mathematics, colours, spirals, pauses, reflection, love, strength, singing, worship, fear, knowledge...

I regained the wisdom in knowing the one thing I now know I once again needed to understand and grab hold of-

Christ is huge.

And He Himself existed before all things, and in Him all things consist (cohere, are held together)- Colossians 1:17 amplified.

I struggle every year because its this time of year I feel a presence of divinity in nature.  I struggle because I have feared year after year that to feel His presence in the wind or to smell something Holy in the Autumn air is somehow horribly horribly wrong.  That when it rains on an October morning and I feel a cleansing and a peace that I somehow am not following a Christian way.

Tonight I sit here with a tea and a smile and tears of thankfulness because after reading page after page after page I have that release from the Holy Spirit, one peice of Scripture to save my aching head to say that in Him, my Jesus, all things consist and are held together... everything.  Its all about Him and its all through Him.  This is something I knew but didn't...if that makes sense.  When these emotions or feelings rise up and I feel joy, He's telling me I dont have to repress it because He created it all, for us, to enjoy and as creation all gives the glory to Him, so do I.  Praising Him along with it all.

Job 38:5-7

Amplified Bible 

Who determined the measures of the earth, if you know? Or who stretched the measuring line upon it? 

Upon what were the foundations of it fastened, or who laid its cornerstone,  when the morning stars sang together and all the sons of God shouted for joy?

Three becomes four and the household shifts...

Its been one week since Tehillah-Joy made her way out of my womb and into a warm pool of water in our dining room, surrounded by love and joy.  I prayed for this little girl for a year before she was conceived, I prayed for her through the entire pregnancy, the ups and the downs.  Surrounded by support and love, the frustrating times became easier and the joyful times were beautiful.

Her relationship with me is one that requires warmth, security, protection and a breast.  I cannot take my eyes off her, she has totally captivated me, and totally activated awe towards her small hands and feet.  When they are that small, and so dependant on you, ones life becomes one easily sacrificed to tend to their every need.  Through exhaustion that I cant even call exhaustion because its such a negative word.... I am tired, very tired, but its a tiredness I don't even think I can complain about today.  Its a tiredness worth had because I spend the night cuddling a nursing one week old tiny girl and got up early to take our children to play at the park.

She is our fourth.  And I feel this way towards all of them.  When our three year old begins to do something hillarious (or something sneaky but with one eye brow raised) I cant help but feel so in love with that kid, even if it is something he does that is wrong.  While he needs to be disciplined, afterwards one cant help but chuckle... sometimes from the fact that there is just nothing else you can do! 

Our five year old learned how to ride his bike without training wheels this week... on his own, without the help of my husband and I.  Now he books it around the neighborhood, going over tree roots as jumps, a plastic bottle stuck in the back wheel so it sounds like a motor bike.  The smile and determination in his face as he shares all he has done brings so much joy.

Our seven year old.  What a help she has been since Tehillah-Joy came into our lives.  She is very willing to help with her, and even more willing these days to help with her brothers which before was a bit of an eye roller for her.  She loves to assist in the little things and it just seems she is growing up so fast before our eyes.  Looking at her baby book the other day makes us realize just how far Alexis has come.  Her love of Christ grows more and more, her questions and smiles make us proud parents.

There are days I want to pull my hair out.  There are nights where bedtime cannot come fast enough.  But it doesn't matter.  These four children still bring me so much joy.  My patience gets better each day.   I have said it before that I firmly believe God has put this calling of being a Mother and a wife and homemaker in my lap and while I may need a bit of help in the homemaking department I want to use these relationships in my life to glorify the Lord.  He gave me these gifts.  And they are gifts...


Psalm 127:3-5
The Message (MSG)


 3-5 Don't you see that children are God's best gift?
      the fruit of the womb his generous legacy?
   Like a warrior's fistful of arrows
      are the children of a vigorous youth.
   Oh, how blessed are you parents,
      with your quivers full of children!
   Your enemies don't stand a chance against you;
      you'll sweep them right off your doorstep.


Its almost as though this little girl has renewed that within me, within the entire household.  A shift has clearly happened in our home.  Things are much busier, more laundry (especially with cloth diapers!), less sleep, more cleaning... but it feels as though things are easier.  Perhaps its because I am no longer hugely pregnant and running to the bathroom every ten minutes... whatever the reason I am so very thankful to God for blessing us with these beautiful children who I get the privilege of having a relationship with.