Saturday, June 11, 2011

When anger hits

We had one of those days, where I felt no grace, I felt no gentleness, everything seemed to be going against us. 
The feeling of utter exhaustion from battling my own emotions ontop of the emotions of my three beautiful children.  My four year old telling me to "shut up" and calling me "stupid" for over an hour. 
I havent always been consistant with him, or any of them.  Part of this behaviour is my fault.  This time I was consistant, and he hated me for it. And we battled.  I remained calm for a long time. A very long time.  But after hours of the same stuff, I finally yelled and he cried, then I left the room and fell to my knee's to God and said "I just cant do this anymore."  a four year olds scratch marks covered my arms and legs.  He can get so violent sometimes...

He fell asleep in his room while throwing Hot Wheels at his door.  I sat quietly in my livingroom.  Feeling at the end of my rope, feeling so much anger. The fruits of the Spirit no where near me.

Why is it that the day after I feel so much of God's love that I hit rock bottom it seems?

Why is it that I have gotten a million parenting tips but still sit on search engines after I have had a meltdown with my children and look for the right answers to fix our issues when I have a loving God that is going

"um hello? remember me? remember all the things I have gotten you through and you are looking for answers on the internet?"

This day was an epic parenting fail on my part. I dont think I got any of it right. No compassion, just plain old grump-o-la.  I stopped caring the last hour of the day, and put them to bed early. Then guilt surrounded me like a big old bag of hell.  It was like I can feel the devil going "haha gotcha now."

I go upstairs after and hug them all, crying and appologizing for my actions.  I suffered from severe depression while pregnant with my third and I think when I get to the point where Im so hurt and tired, it reminds my six and four year old of those times.  And that hurts.   I cry out to God to forgive me for not acting like Christ.  I know He forgives me.  Im so greatful.  His grace is so perfect.  I'll never fully grasp it all.

This was yesterday. Today was better in ways, but a lot of struggles in trying to get my children to be nice to people. To be kind, and show love in all circumstances.  They dont get it.  Sometimes I dont either.  Im just tired of it.  Im tired of having the "bully" on the road.  I have had more children come to my door crying than I know what to do with. 

My son hurt a girl today, a girl older than him, pretty bad.  He was grounded to the house the rest of the day.  How many days are we going to go through this till he gets it?  How many days are we going to go through sulking and miserable faces when they dont get there way?  I think back to when I was a kid... and if the math is right I have about another 15 years or so to go if they follow in my footsteps.

I found myself speaking these words "God is greater than your issues.  He will show you how to solve this."  This is what I tell my chidren all the time!! And yet I found myself completley lost at what to do with my own children.

He gently leads those who have young, and its probably because some of us are so completly exhausted by the end of the day its hard to press on when things get tough. 

But He will show us the way, if we let Him.  I think of God all the time!  If you see me, and Im not talking Im probably thinking of God.  BUT when a difficult situation arrises, a lot of the time He goes on hold while I switch the line over to panic, anger, and frustration.

This is when I need to call my phone company and cancel that other line.  This is absolute foolishness! I should be going to God with these issues, before it ends up I am on my knees in my livingroom in tears.  God is here with us to help us in everything! I have seen Him do things I never thought possible! I know he can work amazing things in my children's lives just as much as mine. 

I have to trust Him..and hold on.

1 comment:

  1. Thank you for writing this, such a raw & honest testimony; thank God for His grace that we can keep trying again, that His mercies are always new... and that we are made new... the process is hard...