Saturday, July 2, 2011

Constant awareness...

I wrote the begining half of this blog post after the kids went to bed. 

~  Kids are in bed, the music plays,  I read scripture, listening to God speak through the pages... I sit and just am in complete awe of His past and look forward to the future, but mostly, just crave this moment where I feel His presence. 

Have I grasped in moments like these that He is there? That even as I walk slowly across the livingroom floor, the toys thrown about dont even seem to cause stress, that I smile, time almost seems to slow down as I just realize He is walking right next to me, His Spirit overshadowing me, engulfing my senses.  Its so heavy, but so light at the same time.  A perfect balance. 
Christ has control of my household, He gaurds each sleeping head from the husband resting for midnight shifts to the children dreaming of whatever their imagination desires.  His Spirit is with them, gaurding them. 

Holy, Holy is Your name God, Lord Jesus.  Thankyou for this moment. 

~ I write this as the kids are still awake, to feel the full effect.  To be able to explain it best.  The television is loud, its pouring outside, lightning and thunder boom and spin in the clouds, my boys play roughly on the floor with Hot Wheels- smash up derby 2011.  Laughter, yelling, moments of complete chaos.  The phone rings, laundry is done, the room that was just cleaned is destroyed in seconds. 

Its in moments like these, like right now as I write this that it is very very hard for me to be in that awareness that Christ is near me, that He has control still.  I cannot walk slowly and just listen, I cannot even think half the time because its not "peaceful" in this moment.  How can one be fully aware that God is RIGHT HERE when McDonalds commercials are advertising over the flatscreen?  Its in a moment like this I want to just have everything go on mute so I can have a moment to say "You were saying Lord?"  
Im certain a person can be in awareness of Christ even in these loud moments,  the fact that I am even thinking about this during the chaos really shows me I think that God is trying to teach me this.  I still pray during these moments but everything seems not so great.  I still think about God, but its not like in those moments where I just have the music playing, and I am so drenched in His presence that all I can do is smile and praise Him.   Its not like in those moments during worship at Church or early morning or late after the kids go to bed, or when we are outside in nature exploring or just having a quieter moment.   Its in these wild crazy moments where its almost a free for all, that I loose sight of the Most Important.  Even as I had to break from this blog post to put my youngest son to bed, I craved to get back downstairs, to just be with God for a moment, a silent moment.  But as I layed there I thought, He's still here!  I dont have to be in a certain room or writing in a certain book, the stars dont have to be alligned just right, He is just there, waiting for that conversation.  Its very frustrating even to think that I get this in fleeting moments, then loose them the next time it gets loud. 

In my walk in Christ, it took a long time to even get here... and when I get over the next hurdle, I know there will be something new to learn. Always learning, growing...  thanking, holding on.  This always being aware though of Christ supporting me is something I wish I could learn so quickly.  I mean I know He is, but to FEEL it with every bone of my body.  I mean isnt that what Heaven will feel like, that constant feeling of joy and no worries, praising Him, just such a pure love?  Does that mean I cant always feel that here, even in the painful moments? 

I know God will answer me on this, in His perfect timing.  Maybe one day when things feel like they are exploding and I dont think there is even room for any more noise, not even a whispered prayer, He will bring Himself to my attention, and things will calm...  

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